Listening to the Other Side

Like so many others, I read and watched what happened in four separate tragedies across our country the last two weeks. In short, ten innocent people were killed, seemingly without provocation. The horrific events in Louisiana, Minnesota, Dallas, and Louisiana again only reiterated the fact, at least to me, that our country is listing badly in churning seas.

Like millions of other people, I’m struggling with these horrific murders. In itself, murder is heinous under any circumstance. There are legal situations where murder can be considered justified. But, not one of these recent murders falls into that category. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. These murders were caused by hate and fear. That is why we are floundering. Even worse, we seem to be doing so by choice.

Strange as it may sound, these tragedies made me think of teenage drivers and their parents.

For eleven years, I taught driver’s education as a part time job. Our classroom curriculum consisted of seventeen two-hour classes. The second day of class was always my favorite. The first hour I spoke with the teens. I told them why so many of their parents yelled during their drives. It’s based on their perception of the road from their seat. The second hour, the kids worked on an assignment in another location while I spoke with their parents. I told them why so many of their kids yelled during their drives. It’s based on their perception of the road from their seat.

This class was my favorite for one simple reason; it was the class where I made the biggest impact on kids and parents. In short, I was able to show two different groups of people what the opposite group was thinking and why. Parents and kids are in the same car looking out the same windshield. But, perceptions differ based on their experience, reasoning, and position. Once each side understood those perceptions, progress was made.

Without fail, parents and students left class with a greater understanding of why the other would be upset and defensive during their drives.

Were there still arguments? Yes. But, I always heard throughout the course how quickly things changed between parent and student during their drives. In short, there were fewer disputes and problems because both sides understood the viewpoint of the other. Even more important, they were willing to listen and learn about them in the first place.

This is what we are missing in this country. Not nearly enough of us are taking the time to listen and understand what the other side of an issue is doing and why. When that happens, hate and fear take the place of understanding and reasoning. Then people on one side are killed. Then people on the other side are killed. And so on.

Few things are more powerful, easy to spread, and cause more damage as hate and fear. This is nothing new. Those two traits have been around as long as humans have been. They are in our DNA. Those genes just seem to fluctuate between being dominant and recessive in the overall population. It’s not hard to see that lately those two emotions are currently increasing their dominance exponentially.

We should have seen it coming. With smart phones and social media, anyone can be anonymous, yet heard and believed by the masses. It’s so damn easy to blame others for our failures and have those feelings validated. It’s so damn easy to see only one side of the coin and jump to a flash decision. It’s so damn easy to jump into the hot mix of hate and fear by complaining, name-calling, and inciting violence while sitting on our asses in a dark room.

Until, someone decides that talking and posting about it isn’t enough and someone else dies. Then someone else does the same for the opposite side. Then we condemn one side while supporting the other.

The worst part is that it doesn’t stop. It just gains speed and more people die. More families lose parents. Hate and fear continue to grow and grow. And more people die.

The one supposed equalizer of social media is that it’s fair. Both sides of any issue can post whatever they want on the same sites at the same time however many times and ways they wish. That’s fair.

It also doesn’t mean a damn thing if we’re not willing to read what the other side is trying to say and take the time to honestly process it. When listening to the other side doesn’t happen, each side reads and posts its own information and more fuel is thrown on the fire of hate and fear. And more people die.

An innocent man is gunned down by police in Louisiana one day. Another man meets the same fate in Minnesota the next. People are outraged. They should be. Based on the videos and current information, neither man did anything to warrant being killed. Outcries for various forms of justice blanket social media instantly.

The next day, five police officers are killed by a sniper in Dallas. People are outraged. They should be. Based on the videos and current information, none of those men did anything to warrant being killed. Outcries for various forms of justice blanket social media instantly.

#Blacklivesmatter.

#Bluelivesmatter.

#Alllivesmatter.

In my mind, all three of those powerful movements are valid. Many of us agree. We should. It’s basic logic. It’s 2016 for the love of God. Everyone has the same right to live as everyone else, don’t we? If I’m even asking that question, then something is wrong.

To my completely average mind, it still comes down to hate and fear.

Many people are scared of the police. After the dramatic and tragic rise of police killing of civilians the past few years, it’s understandable.

Many police offers are scared of being killed because of their job. After the dramatic and tragic rise of civilians killing police officers the past few years, it’s understandable.

If both sides are feeling the same hate and fear and both can be seen as justified,how does the killing stop?

It’s not as complex as it may appear, at least not to me. Each side needs to understand the other’s fears. Both sides need to listen with open minds and hearts to the other’s reasons for their fears and hatred. Each side needs to be willing to see the other’s perception out the same windshield.

Both sides need to publicly state when one of their own crosses the line. Police need to step up, en masse, and condemn a death when a brother/sister in blue kills someone without proper reason for doing so. Civilians need to step up, en masse, when one of us kills a police officer without proper reason for doing so.

Then, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat until the killing stops.

Of course, it’s not easy to do all that. It’s not easy to do a lot of things we’ve done in our lives. But, if it’s important enough to us, we suck it up and get it done. Lives are at stake. The lives of families are involved. It’s important.

Will listening cure us? Probably not.

But, it’s surely a step in the right direction. It’s much better than sprinting in the wrong one and killing innocent civilians and police along the way. Who knows, it may even help send our hate and fear genes back into recessive mode for awhile.

All that being said, I still maintain one basic truth; we are better than this. I realize that may be naive. I don’t give a shit. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Just because it’s easy to criticize a person, or even an entire movement like Black Lives Matter, or an entire occupation like Police Officer, doesn’t mean we should.

I think of it like this; if there wasn’t a serious problem, movements like Black Lives Matter and Blue Lives Matter wouldn’t exist. They wouldn’t need to. But, there is a problem, so they are here. As long as hate and fear continue to dominate as many people as they currently seem to be, people will die.

Both sides will get stronger and the gap between them will grow. And more people will die.

Two seemingly innocent men were killed by police in two days. Since then, eight police officers in two different states have been ambushed and killed. All ten victims were killed because of fear and hate. As long as this circle continues, more will die. More children will lose parents. More funerals will be broadcast showing a young son hugging his father’s coffin. More condemnations will happen by politicians who do nothing to change laws that can make a difference and by citizens who will do nothing to change minds that can make a difference.

As I type this, millions of American adults are coming together to find hidden, imaginary, animated creatures playing Pokemon Go. As entertaining as that game may be, I can’t see it helping to prevent civilians and cops from being killed. If we can come together for Nintendo, why can’t we do it for our country?

Meanwhile, a fourteen-year-old boy in Georgia has more more intuition, honesty, and guts than too many adults who would rather spend their energy ranting about police being racist and violent and Black Lives Matter members being racist and violent than actually listening to the other side and realizing that things could and should be different than they are.

How many of us change our Facebook profile picture to an icon to honor groups of innocent people who have been killed by hate and fear? How many of us do anything else to try to stop it from happening again?

What can we do, you ask? You know damn well what we can do.

Spend more time listening to the other side. You don’t need to agree with them or even like them. You don’t need to change your mind about them. Maybe you might understand why they are acting and reacting the way they are. Maybe they would understand your views. Understanding is not agreeing. It isn’t hating and fearing either. Listening is a start.

So is remembering.

Remembering that those on the other side also have wives and husbands. Remembering they also have kids and families who love and need them, just like your side. Remembering they also deserve to live, just like your side.

Their lives matter, just as yours does.

Our country is damaged in stormy and dangerous seas. In time, every storm passes. The only question is how much damage is done before it moves on. Dark and ominous clouds cause fear and uncertainty. They bring darkness, terror, and can cause tragic losses. They can also dissipate and spare those below.

Sadly, this storm and the damage it has caused, is our fault. We brought this destruction on ourselves based on our hate and fear and unwillingness to listen to the other side. There are only two ways we can go from here. Either it will get worse with more hate and fear and death. Or improvements will be made through listening, understanding, and restraint and lives will be saved.

It’s up to us.