Annoying/Stupid Signs & Warnings

I assume I'm like a lot of people out there. I consider myself to be average in most respects. Average height, weight, income, etc, etc, etc. Granted, there aren't too many people with four daughters, but there are exceptions to everything. Like everyone else, I often get annoyed.

I probably tend to get in that state more often than the average Joe. I teach middle school for nine months a year and driver's ed the other three. Basically, I get paid to be annoyed on a regular basis. Honestly, I can handle middle school kids and teenage drivers being irritating because that's what they do. It's what I did. It's the law. What really bothers me is when adults and our society do it. Seriously, we should have outgrown this by now.

Recently, I've been noticing some very weird and stupid signs and warnings. They've always been there, of course. But, for some reason, lately they've burrowed into my consciousness more than normal. I'll give you the most annoying road sign as an example. "Slow Children Playing."

That sign is just insulting any way you look at it. It's calling out the lack of physical speed or mental capacity of an entire neighborhood of children. Either way, it's just mean.

I understand that road signs are not cheap and that they can't use too many words or characters because of cost. But, I can't see how a comma would put us in any deeper debt than we already are. Really, a comma after 'Slow' is all it would take. With all the bullying and harassment going on at school and online, our kids don't need a cheap shot from the Department of Transportation. If they can afford to have the figures using a crosswalk have bags or purses, or whatever the hell those things are, in a crosswalk sign, then they can foot the bill for a comma.

How about the question on the machine after using a credit or debit card to make a purchase? I've been asked, "Is this amount okay?" far too many times. Rarely is it okay, especially if I've dropped any amount of significant money at a place like Wal-Mart. Exposing myself to dozens of people in pajama pants and small children with iPods at 10:30 PM is not okay no matter what I've spent. "Is this amount accurate?" is a far more appropriate question. It's all in the wording and its importance can not be overstated.

Warning labels, however, are among the worst. Yes, there are important and helpful warning labels around. I can't think of any right now, but I'm sure they're out there. But, they are far outnumbered by obvious and unnecessary labels. The fact that these things are even printed and placed on various items to be sold is straight up pathetic. As we all know, any stupid and obvious warning label usually means someone actually did what the warning says not to do and then sued the company who made it to get some money.

Personally, I think if someone sues over the warnings written below and similarly ridiculous ones that I haven't mentioned, their name, photo, and contact information should be printed along with the warning. Something tells me there would be fewer lawsuits and thus less laughable warning labels.

Every plastic bag that holds any kind of product is printed with the label "Not a Toy". Obviously. Granted, kids will play with cardboard boxes. But, let's face it, boxes are cool. They're perfect for Hide and Seek and sitting in to watch television. You can push your siblings around the house or down the stairs and vice versa. You can draw on them and cut out shapes; the possibilities are endless. Last month, my parents had a dishwasher box in their living room that had a door and windows cut out for my daughters to play "house". But, a plastic bag? I think not.

Oh, and you shouldn't let an infant put a plastic bag over his/her face. Apparently, that could be dangerous and could even lead to suffocation. Good to know. I should clean up the myriad of plastic bags I have rolling around my house like tumbleweeds.

Those little packets of fresheners in various non-edible, household packages are not food. That's important to mention in case you thought your package from Home Depot might contain a snack, as well.

Be careful. Christmas lights may become wrapped around a child's neck if you're too busy playing Family Farm on Facebook to notice.

You should not put your foot under a lawn mower when it's in motion. I guess Nike and others haven't mastered a properly protective shoe for mowing lawns. Until then, resist temptation and heed the warning.

Blow dryers are not to be used around water. Apparently, it's not nearly as funny in real life as it is in the movies. Who knew?

Your coffee cup from McDonald's may contain a hot liquid. Shocking. I guess having a warm cup in your hand doesn't tip off some people that the liquid inside might be even hotter. Better safe than sorry.

Here's one last prime, true example of pure idiocy. There's a seven inch long warning label on my wife's hair curler. One warning says, and I'm not making this up, "Do NOT use on eyelashes". You mean I'm not supposed to put a two inch thick, foot long, red hot poker in my eye? That is good to know, because my eyelashes keep straightening out and puncturing my pillow. It's so annoying. I guess I'll have to come up with some other way of making sure they stay curly.

What numbskull really did this and then sued? It's cases like this that make me wish I was a judge. The barrage of demeaning and insulting remarks I would rain down on such a person (and her lawyer) would be therapeutic for all of us. Hell, I might even sue them both just for wasting my time and pissing me off, thus raising my blood pressure to a dangerous level. Obviously, they would have to pay for such a life threatening act, especially without warning me first that anger can lead to a rapid increase of my pulse rate.

I know there are literally thousands of other similar warnings out there. It does make me wonder if reading warnings like this helped Johnny Knoxville from the Jackass television show and movies get his ideas. At least his show was appropriately named. Perhaps, that should be printed on all such warnings. Jackass Warning(s).

I suppose there are worse things than being annoyed by stupid signs and warnings. I could be one of the reasons those warnings exist. Of course, I'd be rich from the pathetic, yet lucrative, lawsuit. Hmmmm. Rich and stupid or annoyed and average? Seeing as I'm currently raising children, I should be responsible and stick with choice number two, I guess.

Otherwise, that "Slow Children Playing" street sign wouldn't be so mean. It'd be accurate.

Arming Teachers

Well, that didn't take long, did it? Appropriately, our collective hearts were broken and bleeding after the Newtown school massacre. People are still reeling, as am I. So many innocent, young children killed by a coward. Teachers, a school psychologist, and a principal also murdered. Heavy, brutal, disturbing stuff. Exactly the kind of event that spurs discussion and debate about possible changes to our system. As seems to be the American M.O., the two main ideas of change are as far apart as can be.

Many people are screaming for gun control, stricter laws forbidding automatic weapons and ammunition like the pathetic Sandy Hook shooter used. Many people and the NRA are screaming for more police presence and guns in schools, including arming and training teachers. Since I am a teacher, I thought I'd chime in.

There is no way in hell I will ever bring a loaded gun to school. Ever.

There are three main reasons for my declaration. One, the temptation to misuse a handgun would be difficult to handle. I currently have two seventh graders who are earning, I kid you not, a 2% for their grades in my English class. It's actually quite difficult to pull off such a low score. Someone has to work at not working to earn such a ridiculously low grade. But, these two boys do. Their parents are well aware of this and don't care. At least, they don't care enough to actually do something about it.

I can't do anything about it either. In my district, middle school students are not held back. Ever. Which means, if a seventh grade student of mine chooses to fail every single class, we still pass him on to the eighth grade. Apparently, it can be quite damaging to a student socially if he repeats a grade in middle school. Personally, I think it could help. How many kids can legally drive as a freshman? How many eighth graders? An eighth grader with a license and a goatee could have more dates than Bieber, but I digress.

If I had a loaded handgun, I could get these kids to at least pull off a C. I imagine a scenario something like this...

"Billy, wake up. Why aren't you working on your assignment?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Billy, I swear to you, if you do not get your work done, and done well, in the next fifteen minutes, I will shoot you in the leg. I have a Glock, right here. I've been trained by the NRA. You've done nothing for the past three months. I want a completed assignment out of you and I want it now. I don't even care what it is, just a completed assignment. From you. Today. Otherwise, you will be limping for the next six weeks. This is not Halo 4, Billy; it will hurt. A lot. Do you understand?"

I don't expect I'd get outstanding quality from such intimidation, but I'm guessing I'd get some decent, solid work that I haven't been getting otherwise. It would come at a price. But, I assume the NRA would pay for any legal issues that might come my way. Maybe even my therapy.

It might seem that I'm being too lighthearted or disrespectful with such a scenario, but honestly, it's not meant that way. I didn't become a teacher for the money. Nobody does. Most teachers go above and beyond for their students and we do so quietly. We spend more time, energy, and money on our students than most people realize. That being said, it is beyond aggravating when a student chooses intentionally to not even try on a daily basis. It's even worse when the parent(s) doesn't care or has given up. My scenario with "Billy" might seem like a stretch, but trust me, it's not nearly as fanciful as it should be.

A second reason for my refusal to ever bring a gun to school is an obvious one, safety. Keeping loaded guns on a typical school campus is just asking for trouble. There are no secrets in school. Ask anyone who's been bullied or harassed. Any secret, no matter how safe it may appear to be, will not stay that way. Kids talk. Constantly. Teachers talk even more than our students. Parents talk and complain and text more than their kids. It doesn't matter if the location(s) of a loaded gun on school grounds is supposed to be confidential. It will not stay that way. I guarantee it.

If people know where the guns are, that means we will have accidental shootings and deaths across our country's schools. Kids do stupid things. Sad, but true. Far too many kids would die from guns at school that would be meant to protect them. From other guns.

Then there's the threat from exterior dangers. My school, for example, has been broken into more times than I care to count. All fourteen of my school's portables were broken into during one night a few years back. If someone wants to steal a gun, it would not be hard to steal one from the local grade/middle/high school. When schools can't afford teachers, or textbooks, or paper, security is not exactly high tech, if it's even there at all.

I teach in a portable. It was constructed from plywood, paint, and nails that bend when they get wet. The thing was built well over twenty years ago. There are literally holes in the bottom of my outer walls. I probably have Disney animal families living beneath my classroom floor. There could be whole communities of mice and raccoons living there in apartment buildings and condos right now. If I shot a bullet through my floor I'd have PETA suing my ass by sixth period. Again, not the best security for keeping a gun safe.

Then there's reason number three. It's simple. I don't want to teach in that kind of environment. A very good friend of mine "shared" a picture on Facebook recently. It showed a teacher in the Middle East with an M-16 hanging from her shoulder as she led her kids into her classroom. The point being that a pathetic coward with a gun would most likely not be trying to shoot her kids if he knew she'd be returning fire. True enough.

But, there's a reason why I don't teach in Israel. I'm sure the kids there are very nice and polite. It's much warmer there. It's even a dry heat. I'd probably get to drive a Hummer. But, I don't want to teach with an assault rifle within arm's reach. If I did, I'd live there. Or Texas.

Teaching is hard enough the way it is now. I'm not going to add gun training on top of it. Where would it stop? Obviously, I'd need to read up on hollow-point wound care, as well. I would need a good supply of gauze pads, tourniquets, and a backboard hanging from the wall behind my desk, wouldn't I?

What if, God forbid, a gunman came into my school and I grabbed my weapon and went after him? What if I shot? What if I missed? What if I killed a student? Or a fellow teacher? What if I just hit the wall behind him and he kept shooting while I kept missing? Just because someone is trained to use a gun doesn't mean that person will be able to use it properly or effectively in a crisis. Soldiers and cops have frozen on the job in similar spots. Who's to say I wouldn't too? Who's to say the cops wouldn't shoot me thinking I'm the shooter? Who's to say I wouldn't be sued or prosecuted for wounding/killing a student, even the shooter?

What if I do take him out and become a national hero? Does that mean I'd feel great about it? Killing is hard. Not everyone can handle it, even when it's justified. That's why we don't all carry guns. That's why some of us choose careers where using guns is not part of the job description.

I realize the chances of legally arming teachers are slim. But, so are the odds of a coward showing up to a grade school with automatic weapons and plowing through kids and staff.

Teachers in Utah were provided free gun training by a gun lobby this past December. Over two hundred teachers showed up. Lovely. Gun training is provided for free. How about some free technology or supplies or something that would help students, I don't know, learn? Of course not.

Then again, there are far more than two hundred teachers in Utah. Maybe they had other things to do instead of learning to shoot at someone accurately. Maybe they were grading papers, writing lessons, or spending time with their families. Or just maybe, some of them were working on finding non-violent ways to fight violence.

Why would the media, and anyone else, be interested in that?

While that question remains unanswered, I think I'll continue to teach, unarmed, in my Disney-infested portable. I'll continue to work with my two, uh, underachievers, along with the rest of my students. And I'll keep praying that, for once, the innocent victims of a shooting haven't died in vain. That maybe, somehow, our leaders will find a way to improve the safety and learning at our nation's schools.

I know what you're thinking. But, being a teacher means being patient. Besides, I can't retire for another thirty years or so anyway. I've got time. Let's hope we all do.