Cupcake Wars

It's obvious, even to an idiot like me, that reality television is here to stay. It's beyond popular, which explains why there are so many shows and networks devoted entirely to that genre. It's also cheaper to produce, film, and air a reality based show than a scripted one with actual characters and plot. Reality television isn't going anywhere. And that's a damn shame. 

I have many problems with reality television, the biggest being is that very little of it actually seems based on any kind of reality. Calling Jersey Shore realistic is just plain scary. Same goes for any show with the word "Housewives" in its title. Honestly, if I knew anyone who was remotely like any of these people, I'd move far away. 

Do I hate all reality TV? No. Do I hate most of it? Damn straight. But, my most pure and raw hatred of reality programming gets funneled into one show, Cupcake Wars. 

The reasons for my disgust with this show is tenfold. But, for any poor soul who actually reads this and for my own sanity, I'll pare it down. 

My first problem with the show is the title. Wars? Really? I'm ashamed to say I've seen this show numerous times. (When I first became a father, I knew all parents made sacrifices for their children. But, I didn't truly understand the level of pain I'd have to endure until my daughters discovered this show.) I've yet to see anything close to a skirmish, let alone a war, on any episode. Though, personally, I'd be all for it. Lord knows I'd love for that French judge to get a spatula upside the head a few times an episode. I think the final two bakers, their assistants, and the extra cupcake helpers should tie their wrists together in pairs, give everyone a butter knife and a set of measuring cups, and let them throw down like West Side Story (or a Michael Jackson video). Good times guaranteed. 

A quick side note. Any time the word Wars is used in a title, the host should be a bit more, uh, rough around the edges. Wearing a tie and sweater vest isn't exactly standard issue for most armies. At least wear some khaki cargo pants like the Survivor host. Give an effort, for God's sake.

I think the judges should be able to get more involved. That French dude is mean. I've heard him call cupcakes "inedible" and a "nightmare", which I think is harsh. If he's that pissed about the taste and/or texture of a cupcake then I think he should show us. We can barely understand him anyway. He could throw it back at the baker and scream, "How dare you offend my palate in this manner." He could gag and throw up in a trash can. All three judges could turn their backs and shun the offending cook like the Amish. That would be entertaining and would keep the viewers on the edge of their seats, or at least wake them up.

I also dislike how various contestants are simply set up for failure. I saw a perfect example of this on a recent episode. One of the competing bakeries uses beer in all their cupcakes. (Genius!) Obviously, this baker must be talented, or she wouldn't have been chosen to be on the show. (Either that, or she gave free samples to the producers.) So, what episode do they choose for this beer-in-the-cupcake-batter baker? The 100th Anniversary of the Girl Scouts. 

Obviously, this baker and her assistant chose to stick to what they actually do for a living and what got them on the show in the first place, bake cupcakes with beer in the batter. Guess who was booted off in the first segment? Guess why she was booted off? For using beer to make cupcakes for Girl Scouts. Even though the alcohol burns away, the judges were concerned with the idea of beer batter cupcakes being given to Girl Scouts. Well, duh. How about being concerned that the person who chooses which contestants appear on which episodes is a moron?

My biggest problem with this show is its predictability. There is never any mystery in any episode. Ever. 

At least two of the four contestants will have a family member as their assistant. Everyone mentions how they are there to win and how helpful ten grand would be to their business. No kidding. No one shows up to place third and go home with nothing. Money tends to help most businesses.

There always has to be one competing bakery who is gluten free. (One day, we're probably going to find out that gluten is as harmful as asbestos. People will have to call in professionals to clean up their pantries.) This baker is guaranteed to make the final two. Apparently, gluten makes cupcakes taste worse because those without the evil ingredient are always quite successful on Cupcake Wars.

By the end of the second segment, it's obvious who's going to win. There's always one standout baker who has nailed the first two rounds with inspirational cupcakes and three who don't. Of course, one of those three has to make it to the finals. 

In the final round, the baker who is just lucky to be there is always impressive with their final one thousand cupcake display and improved cupcakes. Guess what? They still lose. Of course, they are shocked and disappointed that they lost. Never mind that the final winner is decided by the accumulated skills they've shown thus far in the show. Here's a hint. If you've made it to the final round simply because the other two contestants were even worse than you, and your final opponent has received nothing but praise, you're going to lose. 

Here's a few more guarantees when watching Cupcake Wars. 

• Every contestant is apparently unable to read a rather large decreasing digital clock. I realize they are quite busy and stressed because they're going for ten grand on national television and they aren't given much time. All the more reason to glance at the clock once in a while, isn't it? I guess not. Every time the overdressed host yells out the time, each contestant must scream and repeat the time to their assistant, who is apparently also unable to read time or hear what was just yelled a few feet away.
• The judges eat their cupcakes with a fork. Why? If I used a fork to eat a cupcake, I'd have to turn in my man card and get my ass (rightfully) beat by my union brothers. This isn't afternoon tea with the Queen. Eat the damn cupcake with your hands.
• It takes the bakers approximately six minutes to fully describe their cupcake. "It's a chocolate peanut butter cupcake, with real peanut butter inside the cake, with a peanut butter chocolate ganache frosting, with a fondant peanut on the top..." Good God, it's a chocolate peanut butter cupcake! I'd cut your ass from the show just for using fifty-six words to tell me about something that I've already finished eating by the time you're done telling me what it is.
• By the way, the response by the French judge to such a cupcake would be something like, "I can't taste the peanut butter". The baker is obviously stunned and confused by such a statement. Either the baker is a fool who doesn't realize if you use the words "peanut butter" seven times in describing your cake, it better taste like a jar of Jif, or the judge is just a dick.

I have just two more guarantees. Cupcake Wars will continue to air for quite some time. I will also be forced to watch many more episodes with my daughters. 

On the plus side, I should be able to continue to convince my girls that their dad is psychic by correctly guessing who will win each episode. That belief should come in handy in the future when I try to convince my daughters that their dates will be intimidated by their beauty and intelligence and thus will be unavailable for further contact. Perhaps, reality television has its good points too. 

Politics

Summer is supposed to be a fun time of year. Warmer, drier weather. Outdoor activities. Baseball games. Reading books. Lots and lots and lots of grilling. Summer then leads us into my favorite season of the year, fall. Cooler temperatures. Stunning bursts of orange, yellow, and red that seem to pop up on every mountain, hill, and neighborhood street. Then, right around the corner are the black and orange and fun of Halloween. The NBA arrives, as well. And, of course, most importantly, football. 

Those are supposed to be good times for the vast majority of us. They often are. But, every four years, summer and fall take a dark, sinister turn. A cloud of dismay and disgust envelopes us. Anger and frustration float from person to person, wrapping around us like dense fog. All the vibrant colors seem muted into greys and browns. The normally crisp, invigorating weather never seems to come, instead everything seems damp and dark, leaving us sodden like wet cardboard. We all know it's coming; we all dread it's arrival, but know we can do nothing to stop it. Election year.

I hate election years with a consuming passion. I know I have a huge amount of "likes" with that statement. That alone should tell us something about the state of our country. Of course, it's not us that needs to listen to such a statement, it's our elected leaders. I know, I know. Fat chance of that.

Americans hate election years for one main reason: those running for office are, more often than not, people we can't stand to look at or listen to by the time November rolls around. Or August. Perhaps, May. This is not a good thing. 

Maybe I'm just an idealist, but I think an election year should be an exciting time. I think this for two main reasons. First, if our country is doing well (don't laugh, it's happened before), then an election year should be a chance to continue that cycle, by re-electing those currently in office who we think are doing a solid job. But, if our country is not doing well, then we have the chance to get those leaders who we feel are not doing a good job out of office and vote in those we feel would lead us to stronger times. But, neither of those feelings tend to happen for many of us. Why is that?

To me, the answer is simple and blunt. Most of our elected officials suck. That wouldn't be so terrible if we had faith in those running against the incumbents. But, that rarely happens. 

If that wasn't bad enough, the way politicians run their campaigns tends to disgust most of us instead of inspire us. Let's start with those insipid commercials. The ones that seem to air all day, every day. The commercials that cause so many of us to turn the channel, or watch a movie instead, or even (GASP!) turn off the television. Do these people actually think the average person believes anything in a political commercial? Apparently so. Otherwise, why continue to spend so many millions of dollars making and airing those things? Simple. It's not their money. One would think a smart man/woman would find a better way to spend than that money than on commercials, actually helping their constituents, perhaps. But, I digress. 

A close second in my hatred trilogy of election year standard operating procedures are political signs. The signs that clutter people's front yards, small sections of farmland that abut to freeways/highways, and everywhere else they can scrounge permission to place those things. Am I supposed to be swayed to vote for someone based on their sign? Really? What is the philosophy of putting the signs of a dozen candidates in the same thirty foot area along I-5? Am I expected to slow down from my cruising speed of 70 MPH to see who has the most impressive sign? It takes all my inner strength not to simply plow through them on my daily commute. 

What is the logic behind those things? Apparently, I'm supposed to be so impressed by one candidate's sign over the others that he/she earns my vote. Uh, not happening. (Besides, I think we've used up all the possible combinations of red, white, and blue. I'm as patriotic as the next American, but there are other colors. It's really okay to try something different.) I hate to break it to those hard-working, ethical campaign managers, but I've yet to have my vote swayed by a political sign. It doesn't work with me. 

Neither does the hard-hitting, in-your-face reporting of CNN, Fox, MSNBC, etc, etc, etc these months leading up to the elections. For the love of God, two of those major networks aired the wrong information on the most important United States Supreme Court ruling in recent memory. Am I supposed to be impressed by any news network after that debacle? They're so concerned with being first, they forget it's more important to be accurate. I don't let my seventh grade students get away with that crap. Am I supposed to give professional journalists a free pass? Again, not happening.

Besides, I don't need to watch those networks because they are as predictable as watching Cupcake Wars. One network loves Republicans and hates Democrats. Another network is the opposite. I wonder if their stories, daily shows, and reports from the campaign trail might follow along those guidelines? Hmmm. I have to watch Cupcake Wars occasionally because my daughters love that show. Thankfully, they have no interest in watching political networks. Neither do I.

Since I can't seem to find a show or network that represents all sides fairly, I tend to ignore them. Instead, I look to other avenues.

Recently, I watched (again) the movie Primary Colors. I found myself longing for a candidate who followed the same strategy of one of the movie's characters running for president. No, not the Clinton clone, Jack Stanton, played so well by John Travolta. No, it was Larry Hagman's Freddie Picker. The man got thousands upon thousands of people to donate blood everywhere he went. Picker didn't pay for polls or air commercials. He even saved his main opponent from being grilled on national television by Geraldo. Nobody knew how to handle him because he wasn't playing by the rules. He was going to listen to people and act accordingly. Shocking. Genius. Fiction.

Sure, Picker was a former coke fiend who slept with a man during a drug binge. What politician hasn't? How else do they earn so many outrageous donations? Male, female, gay, straight, white, black, Catholic, Mormon, atheist, married, single, underage, overage, who cares when it comes to campaign contributions? To be fair, not all major donations involve sex. I'm sure some involve powerplays, extortion, promises for future favors and various judge and job title appointments, along with other such political mainstays. 

If they're going to do all that anyway, why can't they pull those pathetic commercials so Americans can watch reality television in peace? Lord knows, there's nothing real about campaign promises. What does it say about our political system that we can get more honesty on television from Howard Stern and Sharon Osborne than any presidential candidate? 

Why can't we have an election system that actually makes sense? Seriously, it's 2012. My iPhone does more for me than my elected officials. SIRI gives me more concrete answers than any politician. And yet, I'm supposed to vote for these people based on a paragraph in the voter's pamphlet. Really? 

We wait all these months, through the primaries, the nausea-inducing commercials, the fluctuating polls, the annoying clusters of political signs, the seemingly endless parade of possible scandals, before we see these candidates actually speak at a debate. By then do we even care? Have we been so bombarded by political propaganda that nothing said will sway our votes? Hard to say, really. And that is beyond frightening. 

On the plus side, at least the NFL and NBA lockouts didn't happen in an election year. That would've really scary.