Complete strangers come up to us nearly every time we leave the house. It can be shopping, eating out, seeing a movie, walking into a hotel, in a small town or large city, crossing into Canada; there doesn't seem to be a filter. Frankly, it's more than a bit puzzling. But, seeing a married couple with four girls jumping around them like poodles waiting to use the same hydrant seems to force out questions from 72% of cashiers, 89% of waitresses, and 74% of random people browsing the same public businesses we are. The most commonly asked questions and statements are below. Enjoy.
"You really have your hands full."
I always use the stock answer, "Every day." But, it's getting harder and harder to fight the urge to come back with, "No, shit." Having four of anything is having your hands full, since, you know, we each only have two hands. But, yes, having four kids is exhausting and we do have our hands full. Is it really necessary to call it out in public? Do I say to the cashier of Wal-Mart or McD's, "Boy, your job must really suck"? These people earn a paycheck by serving people who wear PJ pants at three in the afternoon on a Tuesday. It's implied. So, I don't point out the obvious. It'd be nice if they'd return the favor.
"Are all these girls yours?"
Uh, yes, they are. As a teacher, I know very well the high number of divorced and blended families out there. Apparently, it's quite shocking to many people that my wife and I are the actual birth parents of four kids and neither of us have been divorced. It's depressing to consider that most people automatically assume that we're on our second marriages because we have four kids.
I'm also aware that many times parents will take their own kids, as well as friends of their children, out in public. But, when they're all calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy", are yelling at each other like only siblings can, and they all look alike, it really shouldn't be that difficult a question to answer on your own.
"Dad, you better get a gun."
"You guys will be in serious trouble in a few years."
Yes, we have four daughters who are, and I don't want to sound like an arrogant jerk, but they are beautiful. Since I am a male, and was once a teenage male, I know what will be happening soon. But, my preparation does not end there. Far from it.
Do people seriously think I haven't been plotting various intimidation techniques since the first ultrasound showed nothing in the groin area? Why do you think I teach middle school? For the love of kids? Ha! I've been researching the evolving male mind (yes, it does evolve) for the past decade, learning their new techniques, lingo, strategies, moves, favorite singers, movies, clothing styles, anything that may be used to coerce my daughters. Think of me as a longstanding member of 21 Jump Street. I've been infiltrating the enemy's network for some time now. I am well prepared for "serious trouble". Thanks for your concern, kind stranger.
"They all look like your wife."
Well, duh. I would hope so. I've seen women who look like men and vice versa. It can be confusing, I suppose. That's not the case here. I don't look like a girl. My daughters do. So does my wife. It's not surprising they look like her. Thank God. Though, if at least one of them looked like me, I wouldn't be so concerned with the "serious trouble" mentioned above.
"Wow. Dad, you're outnumbered, aren't you?"
Another obvious question. Let's move on.
"Are you going to try for a boy?"
"Are you done?"
"Are you going for a full basketball team?"
I realize in the social media age people share information they never would have shared in the past. But, why would anyone think it's okay to ask these questions? Why do they even care? Are they gathering shopping data for Old Navy? Do they work for the U.S. Census? Are any of these people's lives going to change with knowing the answers to these questions? So, why ask them? Because we have four girls, that's why.
Again, it's very tempting to not to just turn and shoot from the hip. "No, we're not done. You see, I'm 1/8th Apache and my wife is 1/12th Japanese. So, we thought we'd keep going to see if we can eventually have a child who looks like an Asian Native American and really mess with people. And get some kick ass college scholarships."
For the record, yes, we are done. Done and done. No, we never thought to "try for a boy". How does that even work, by the way? Was I supposed to be thinking about baseball? I was always told that strategy was for something else entirely. Perhaps, I was misinformed.
Truthfully, neither my wife nor I wanted one sex over another. Having a healthy, happy baby was our only real concern. Thankfully, our prayers were answered each time. Actually, by our fourth pregnancy I was actually worried that we might have a boy. Being a father of multiple girls is hard enough. I can't imagine being the brother of three older sisters. Shiver.
I do understand why so many people feel the urge to speak with us in public. We're not a quiet bunch. We stand out. The girls are beautiful. And funny. And so very, very loud. We almost demand a response. It could also be that many people wouldn't have four kids if they were paid a monthly stipend and promised a reality television show. (More on this in the upcoming Part 2 of this topic.)
I would be surprised if people didn't react to us. But, is it so wrong to expect some originality once in a while? Something different than the standard reactions and questions would be nice.
"You must be an amazing mom having to deal with so many female issues every day."
My wife is amazing. I often get the sympathy from those who respond to us in public. While it is appreciated, people really aren't paying attention. My wife deals with many more issues than me. Bathroom trips and handling any problems or discomfort in the genital area are just the tip of the iceberg. (Once more penises enter the picture, I'll be front and center much more frequently.)
"Wow, Dad, you must be quite manly since you're the only male in your family."
Why, yes, yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.
Why, yes, yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.
See the difference in these quick examples than those listed earlier? Try using them next time you see a family with more than two kids. There are other families like ours out there. We have bi-weekly meetings through Skype. (That many families with so many kids would cause a tsunami of public interruptions, so we stick to a much less invasive strategy.)
Remember, you won't just be helping us; you're be helping yourself and our country's economy. Complimenting instead of questioning always goes much further in earning a larger tip, a heartfelt apology for the mess left behind, and a possible return trip. I agree, it's a bit of a good news/bad news situation. But, so is parenting.
(Again, more coming in Part 2...)
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