I'm sure the other parents out there know what I'm talking about. For the uninitiated (lucky bastards), gift bags are where the host of the party gives gift bags to the guests. Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought the birthday boy/girl gets the presents, those who come give the presents; everyone plays annoying games, someone cries, and everyone eats cake. It used to be a simple relationship and everyone knew the rules. Somewhere along the line, the rules were changed.
I would love to know what woman is behind this and why. I know that's sexist of me, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. You see, men don't think like that. Ever wonder why men suck at buying and giving gifts? We don't know how to buy something that isn't misconstrued. We don't know how much money to spend or not spend. (You spent what? I would've been happy with dinner and ice cream... Is that all I'm worth to you?) Should it be romantic? (Can't you ever think of something else? I do have a mind, you know.) Or handy? (Really? A book? How romantic!) We get slammed either way.
Men don't even buy presents for other men unless we're forced to. We don't like the obligation of having to return the favor at another time. Men don't like to shop for other men. It feels weird. There's also the awkward moment of receiving said gift. Is a hearty "Thanks!" enough? Or do we need to throw in an uncomfortable hug/high five/handshake? We. Don't. Know.
Our minds are preoccupied with three main topics, sex, food, and sports. That's about it. Gift bags satisfy none of those three cravings. Besides, we attend birthday parties for two reasons, free cake and because our wives make us. The whole gift bag thing is really starting to ruin the free cake.
I just don't get it. Why add more stress to an already stressful situation? There are kids to invite, and kids to not invite. There's planning. Is the party at home, at a pizza joint, at the zoo, at a park? Where? Is there a theme? What kind of cake? Homemade or bought? What kind of filling? Ice cream? Wait, there has to be a healthy component. Veggie tray, fruit, cheese sticks, something. Do any of the kids have allergies? Is the party a sleepover or for the afternoon? Should boys and girls be invited? Should we serve alcohol to the adults? (YES!) The list goes on and on.
Why add gift bags to the conundrum? It has to be filled with multiple gifts, of course. There always has to be extra bags too, because someone might bring a younger sibling, and there would be anarchy if Janie's little sister wasn't included, right? Gift bags are even made and given to siblings who stayed at home. I'm not kidding. I've seen it. I've personally brought home gift bags for my other, uninvited daughters. Thoughtful? Yes. Ridiculous? Hell yes. It really isn't necessary to buy and put together gifts for someone who wasn't even invited. I've asked around. It's really okay.
And there's the competition factor. Jake's party had such creative and cute gift bags! It's imperative that our bags be more impressive. Why? Are there really people who keep score between a town's birthday parties and note whose gift bags are better than the others? Yes, there are. Sad, but true.
Like most things in life that I don't like, gift bags aren't going anywhere. I don't know who started it. Martha Stewart, perhaps. Oprah? Ross The Intern? Whoever it was, I hope they're happy. I hope they realize what they've done. Birthdays used to be awkward for all the normal kid reasons. Knowing the birthday kid, but none of the other people there. The one boy in a girl party or vice versa. Being able to tell that everyone thinks your gift sucks. Now, we're adding adult petty stresses and competition to themed birthday parties. Something is wrong here.
I'm curious if the kids would even care if the gift bags stopped. Somehow, I doubt it. Which makes me wonder, at what point did simply throwing your kid a great birthday party suddenly become not enough? When did a child's birthday party become more about the gift bags and less about the birthday boy/girl?
It does bring up a valid point, though. If gift bags are all the rage for kids, when will they make it up to parties for adults? Personally, I hope I get a bag with bacon and alcohol. Just imagine what would be in a gift bag at a bachelor or bachelorette party. Now that would earn a hearty and authentic high five, followed by an enthusiastic butt slap, and dozens of photos on social media.
Nothing awkward about that.
It does bring up a valid point, though. If gift bags are all the rage for kids, when will they make it up to parties for adults? Personally, I hope I get a bag with bacon and alcohol. Just imagine what would be in a gift bag at a bachelor or bachelorette party. Now that would earn a hearty and authentic high five, followed by an enthusiastic butt slap, and dozens of photos on social media.
Nothing awkward about that.
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