I did two things in my classroom this afternoon that no teacher should ever do. I yelled the "F-word" at the top of my lungs and held it until my I strained my throat. Then, I wept. Fortunately, I found out about the school shooting in Connecticut after my students had already left. Honestly, I don't know if I would've done anything differently if they had still been there.
A thought kept coming to the surface again and again no matter how hard I tried to push it away.
Here we go again.
Can any of us truly say we're surprised? Obviously, this was worse than most of us thought it would be. No one expects so many young children to be killed by yet another coward. Or a school principal with five daughters. Or a school psychologist. I doubt we expected to see our president wipe away tears at a press conference. Maybe we should have.
I can't help thinking we were duped by what happened in Oregon in the same freaking week. How many of us thought something along the lines of, "Thank God only two were killed"? As tragic and disrespectful as that is those killed and their families, seeing how the shooting occurred at a crowded mall, it is shocking more weren't killed. But, nearly thirty more have been. It doesn't really matter that it happened on the opposite coast. Children are children, no matter where they are.
Again, we have masked, heavily armed, pathetic men, shooting random, unarmed adults and children who were in a supposedly safe place, and then taking their own lives. How many more have to die before we actually try something? Anything. I really don't care what it is, but anything is better than nothing. Right?
Isn't that how we normally solve a problem that just seems to get worse? We can debate gun control and the right to bear arms and the lack of widespread availability of mental health services over and over and over. But, don't we eventually have to do something? Otherwise, we're going to keep running through quicksand. Someday soon, we won't be able to run anymore. We're going to be in over our heads.
We all know that dangerous intersection in our respective towns, don't we? That one spot where we say again and again, "Someone's going to die if they don't put up a traffic light." Eventually, they do. But, normally someone, usually a child or a teenager, does die first.
Why do we do that? Again and again we see a problem; we see danger. Even worse, we see a possible solution. Yet, nothing is done, until tragedy occurs. Until there's outrage and horror and the blame game whips up to hurricane strength. Then something happens. The worst part is, this isn't a small town problem. This is a national problem. Which means, more of us, more of our children, have to die before something is done.
So, what is it going to take? Sadly, I think it will take far more than what happened this week in Connecticut and Oregon. Something is going to have to change within our nation's leadership. The Powers That Be have to be the ones to take charge. They have to initiate change. They have to actually lead. Which means we're in trouble.
For years, all they've done is argue and bitch and moan and lie and watch and blame. And kill. No, they didn't point a gun at a child cowering in their classroom and pull the trigger. But, they didn't do anything to stop it either. Our leaders aren't stupid. Stubborn, greedy, and ineffective, perhaps. But, not stupid. They knew something like this would happen again. We all did. And yet nothing was done. Again.
Like millions of others, I read the article about today's tragedy on CNN.com. CNN asked us, "How do we stop the violence?" They want our input. Great idea. Great question. There are answers. America is chock full of smart, caring people who have great ideas for solutions. Doesn't really matter, though. Ideas are everywhere. The real question is, which of our leaders will have the guts to make the first move to make a change? But, even that isn't enough. The opposing side must do the same thing. Our leaders have to meet in the middle and actually discuss solutions for the greater good. When was the last time that happened? I don't know either.
So many of us cried today. So many of us cannot fathom what those parents in Connecticut are going through and will go through forever. So many of us want to do something. But, we can't. Not really. Our leaders can.
Maybe we should tell them we're ready. Ready to try something. Anything. We've given up rights to our personal belongings when we attend a ballgame or concert when our purses and bags are searched. We've given up our bodies to be patted and searched at airports. I think we'd be willing to give up more. All our leaders have to do is ask.
We all know, whatever it is, it won't be nearly what those souls in Oregon and Connecticut gave up. Or what we'll be giving up if something isn't done. Anything.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Diet Pepsi Middle School
I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Aside from a short time in my formative years trying to become Indiana Jones's or Kathy Ireland's assistant, teaching is all I really remember wanting to do. I was an education major from day one in college. I earned a Master's Degree several years ago. I'm respected by staff, parents, and most students in my school, where I've just started my ninth year teaching seventh grade. I guess you could say the dream came true. It's too bad, really.
Maybe if I hadn't become a teacher I wouldn't be so upset with the current state of education. Across this country of ours, public schools are going down in flames. It's not for a lack of qualified teachers or desire or passion or lack of need. It's a lack of money. And that is just pathetic if you think about it.
Our "leaders" spent millions upon millions of dollars on those political commercials we all enjoyed so much. Yet, public school districts in Washington had to sue the state because some of those same "leaders" refused to follow the state constitution for minimal funding for our children. The Washington State Supreme Court ruled against the state of Washington. Nothing has changed. All those who are surprised, raise your hands.
Since there seems to be no chance our elected leaders will do their jobs in regards to funding education, I decided to step up. It's the least I can do. After all, they called me so many times over the past six weeks, I feel obligated. Here we go...
First, we need to stop begging the government for money. It's obvious they don't want to give it to us. Why should they? Kids can't vote. So, why should our elected officials care? Apparently, they don't. We need to stop asking. Besides, any time they do offer or give us money, there's a multitude of strings attached. Those strings always involve more standardized testing (which always must be given under the strictest of security, which costs millions of dollars every year). They amp up teacher accountability and evaluations tied to those test scores, and then cut our funding like it's a hazing ritual. Yet, we keep going back for more. Can't we take a hint?
But, where else can we get that kind of money? Valid question. Simple answer. We sell out. Big time. No more schools being named after people that no kid, and even a large percentage of adults, recognize. Have you ever watched "Jay Walking" with Jay Leno? Most people can't spell Canada. People think you need a passport to enter New Mexico. Stop honoring the heroes of our past by naming our schools after them. Where's the money in that?
We need to save our future. If we can have CenturyLink Field and Safeco Field, why not Diet Pepsi Middle School and Papa John's High School? If these companies are willing to spend millions a year to name a stadium, how much would they pay for a school and the chance to influence, uh mold, young minds?
They can even pick our mascots. I don't care. I'll gladly teach at Diet Pepsi Middle School and coach the Aspartamers basketball teams. Pay the school three mil a year for six years, I'll proudly wear a royal blue polo shirt and shout the miracles of carbonated beverages bringing such refreshing taste with absolutely NO calories. Damn straight.
Think how much more amped up the local rivalries would become. It's not just the local schools fighting for bragging rights, it's the cola wars all over again. That's just the beginning. Comcast High School Bundles vs. DirectTV Sports Packages? Lifetime High Chick-Flicks vs. SyFy High B-Flicks? Bring it.
School buses are so boring with their golden canvases passing by each morning and afternoon. So much blank space just wasted. We need to plaster those bad boys like a minor league outfield fence. There should be ads for local small businesses and cheap lawyers. Salons, pizza joints, and espresso stands need more advertising? Call your local school district. Buy some reasonably priced, mobile advertising space and watch your business double. For a fair price, no less. School buses might actually have seat belts and be less than twenty years old. It's a win-win.
Think of the excitement to teach and attend Apple Tech. Or Android Junior High. Verizon Elementary. Nike High School. Think of the support and counseling at E.P.T. Alternative High School. (Of course, if they had used the mascot of Trojan High, they could be enrolling elsewhere. Aeropostale HS, perhaps.)
Do you think the brass at AT&T would stand for their grade school being out-funded by T-Mobile? I think not. There would be more top-of-the-line supplies at their schools than we could comprehend. Others would follow suit. I keep thinking of an episode of The Simpsons when they accidentally struck oil on school property. Chocolate microscopes? Approved. Public schools having computers that aren't missing seven keys and can actually be wireless in this day and age? Classrooms that are actually vacuumed more than once a week? The sky's the limit, baby.
Think of the security at those institutes of learning. You get felt up and your bags searched going to a Seahawk game. There's no way some punk is getting a Glock onto these school grounds. When was the last time you heard about a Coke or Pepsi formula being stolen or leaked to the public? What about the secrecy about the next episode of Mad Men? Are those scripts ever outed? No way. The same security would be at Lionsgate Film School. And DreamWorks Academy of the Arts. And Pixar Technical Institue. School violence at those institutions of learning? Wouldn't happen. Why? Security. That's why.
Would there be complications? Of course. But, if Enron Stadium can become Minute Maid Park, adjustments can be made at schools whose namesakes fail or are bought out.
"We're not Quest Elementary anymore?"
"No, Sally, we're CenturyLink Elementary now. But, our new commercials have a slinky."
"A what?"
Kids are resilient that way. If they can handle divorce, abuse, online harassment, and the popularity of One Direction, having their school change names and mascots shouldn't even register on their Richter Scale.
I suppose there's also some kind of moral problem with selling out. But, our elected leaders can help us with that. Perhaps, they could create a podcast that our students could listen to on their new smartphones, tablets, and electronic readers. Maybe our leaders could inspire the next generation to make the right choices with their money and responsibilities.
Of course, someone would need to do the same for our leaders first. Maybe the kids could handle that. Or a single mother of three. Or a laid-off factory worker. Or a formerly laid-off mechanic making half his previous salary.
On second thought, maybe we just need the damn money. Something tells me we'd be able to figure out the rest just fine.
Maybe if I hadn't become a teacher I wouldn't be so upset with the current state of education. Across this country of ours, public schools are going down in flames. It's not for a lack of qualified teachers or desire or passion or lack of need. It's a lack of money. And that is just pathetic if you think about it.
Our "leaders" spent millions upon millions of dollars on those political commercials we all enjoyed so much. Yet, public school districts in Washington had to sue the state because some of those same "leaders" refused to follow the state constitution for minimal funding for our children. The Washington State Supreme Court ruled against the state of Washington. Nothing has changed. All those who are surprised, raise your hands.
Since there seems to be no chance our elected leaders will do their jobs in regards to funding education, I decided to step up. It's the least I can do. After all, they called me so many times over the past six weeks, I feel obligated. Here we go...
First, we need to stop begging the government for money. It's obvious they don't want to give it to us. Why should they? Kids can't vote. So, why should our elected officials care? Apparently, they don't. We need to stop asking. Besides, any time they do offer or give us money, there's a multitude of strings attached. Those strings always involve more standardized testing (which always must be given under the strictest of security, which costs millions of dollars every year). They amp up teacher accountability and evaluations tied to those test scores, and then cut our funding like it's a hazing ritual. Yet, we keep going back for more. Can't we take a hint?
But, where else can we get that kind of money? Valid question. Simple answer. We sell out. Big time. No more schools being named after people that no kid, and even a large percentage of adults, recognize. Have you ever watched "Jay Walking" with Jay Leno? Most people can't spell Canada. People think you need a passport to enter New Mexico. Stop honoring the heroes of our past by naming our schools after them. Where's the money in that?
We need to save our future. If we can have CenturyLink Field and Safeco Field, why not Diet Pepsi Middle School and Papa John's High School? If these companies are willing to spend millions a year to name a stadium, how much would they pay for a school and the chance to influence, uh mold, young minds?
They can even pick our mascots. I don't care. I'll gladly teach at Diet Pepsi Middle School and coach the Aspartamers basketball teams. Pay the school three mil a year for six years, I'll proudly wear a royal blue polo shirt and shout the miracles of carbonated beverages bringing such refreshing taste with absolutely NO calories. Damn straight.
Think how much more amped up the local rivalries would become. It's not just the local schools fighting for bragging rights, it's the cola wars all over again. That's just the beginning. Comcast High School Bundles vs. DirectTV Sports Packages? Lifetime High Chick-Flicks vs. SyFy High B-Flicks? Bring it.
School buses are so boring with their golden canvases passing by each morning and afternoon. So much blank space just wasted. We need to plaster those bad boys like a minor league outfield fence. There should be ads for local small businesses and cheap lawyers. Salons, pizza joints, and espresso stands need more advertising? Call your local school district. Buy some reasonably priced, mobile advertising space and watch your business double. For a fair price, no less. School buses might actually have seat belts and be less than twenty years old. It's a win-win.
Think of the excitement to teach and attend Apple Tech. Or Android Junior High. Verizon Elementary. Nike High School. Think of the support and counseling at E.P.T. Alternative High School. (Of course, if they had used the mascot of Trojan High, they could be enrolling elsewhere. Aeropostale HS, perhaps.)
Do you think the brass at AT&T would stand for their grade school being out-funded by T-Mobile? I think not. There would be more top-of-the-line supplies at their schools than we could comprehend. Others would follow suit. I keep thinking of an episode of The Simpsons when they accidentally struck oil on school property. Chocolate microscopes? Approved. Public schools having computers that aren't missing seven keys and can actually be wireless in this day and age? Classrooms that are actually vacuumed more than once a week? The sky's the limit, baby.
Think of the security at those institutes of learning. You get felt up and your bags searched going to a Seahawk game. There's no way some punk is getting a Glock onto these school grounds. When was the last time you heard about a Coke or Pepsi formula being stolen or leaked to the public? What about the secrecy about the next episode of Mad Men? Are those scripts ever outed? No way. The same security would be at Lionsgate Film School. And DreamWorks Academy of the Arts. And Pixar Technical Institue. School violence at those institutions of learning? Wouldn't happen. Why? Security. That's why.
Would there be complications? Of course. But, if Enron Stadium can become Minute Maid Park, adjustments can be made at schools whose namesakes fail or are bought out.
"We're not Quest Elementary anymore?"
"No, Sally, we're CenturyLink Elementary now. But, our new commercials have a slinky."
"A what?"
Kids are resilient that way. If they can handle divorce, abuse, online harassment, and the popularity of One Direction, having their school change names and mascots shouldn't even register on their Richter Scale.
I suppose there's also some kind of moral problem with selling out. But, our elected leaders can help us with that. Perhaps, they could create a podcast that our students could listen to on their new smartphones, tablets, and electronic readers. Maybe our leaders could inspire the next generation to make the right choices with their money and responsibilities.
Of course, someone would need to do the same for our leaders first. Maybe the kids could handle that. Or a single mother of three. Or a laid-off factory worker. Or a formerly laid-off mechanic making half his previous salary.
On second thought, maybe we just need the damn money. Something tells me we'd be able to figure out the rest just fine.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
"You" vs. "We"
It's funny how, at times, several aspects of our lives coincide simultaneously. I know we often shrug it off as "multi-tasking", but occasionally it feels like much more. There are times when we just stop and we can't help but wonder if something bigger and deeper is going on. I had one of those moments this past week.
I coach my school's eighth grade boys' and girls' basketball teams. The boys' season just started Halloween week. It was that annual event, coinciding with our national election and its aftermath that has me writing. And worrying. That and a few aggravating Facebook posts. (Ironic, I know.)
I'm always amazed every year the wide variety of kids that make my basketball team. I get mama's boys, tough boys, wanna be gangster boys, and if I'm lucky, even a few athletic boys. Regardless of the kind of players that make my team, they all have one thing in common. No matter how poorly they treat their parents and teachers, they treat me well.
Why is that? I'm their coach, that's why. I can start them or bench them. I can make them run and run and run and run. I can still even cut them from the team. They respect and fear me. Why? I'm their coach, that's why. Basketball is important to them. Even more than that, the team is important to them. So they act accordingly. Even when I insist they treat their parents and teachers respectfully, they do it. Even if they don't agree with everything I ask them to do, they do it. Because I'm their coach. They believe in me. And they didn't even vote for me.
Which made me wonder. Why don't the rest of us do that after an election? Love him or hate him, Obama is our coach. Why aren't we believing in him?
I saw the following "shared" post on Facebook today.
I'm forty. I'm having a seriously difficult time remembering when our country was a "we" place. A team, in other words. It happens from time to time, most notably after a natural distaster or terrorist attack. We'll rightfully send money left, right, and center to help when a hurricane like Sandy strikes. Do we bother to ask if our money is going to a Democrat or Republican then? When we hear about a fireman swimming under twelve feet of water to attach a hose to a submerged hydrant so his comrades can save a burning house, do we exclaim, "I bet he's a Democrat!" No, we don't. Why not? Because it's stupid. That's why.
I saw a "shared" video from Speaker of the House John Boehner who said after Obama was re-elected, "The Republican Party has work to do." Not the "country" has work to do. Not "Congress" has work to do. No, just the Republican Party. Meaning since "we" didn't win this time, we have to start trying to win next time. Never mind that Congress recently garnered a ten percent confidence rate among Americans. Ten. Dan Quayle had a higher confidence rating. Apparently, that doesn't concern Boehner, or anyone else in government. At least not enough to actually change the way things have been going.
This week in practice, my team was running back and forth across the gym at the end of ninety minutes of practice. One of my players is slower than the others. By far. The rest of the team was done and he had four treks left. Four teammates joined him to help him finish. Then the rest joined. Then my assistant coach and I did. Fourteen of us, tired, sweating, and working together. To finish. Together.
They could have waited and cheered him on. They could have ignored him and simply drank some water. They could have said, "You're slow. You own it." But, they didn't.
Are we part of a huge, powerful team that could work together to get our country back on top? Or are we going to stay split up into smaller, weaker, bickering teams that drag each of us down? I have no idea.
Until I do, I think I'll keep coaching my players. At least there I can see true teammates working together for a common goal. So we all can succeed. At least there I feel good that no matter who we face, we are winning or losing together. No matter what happens, we're learning and growing. Together.
I think I'll look there for inspiration. At a middle school.
I coach my school's eighth grade boys' and girls' basketball teams. The boys' season just started Halloween week. It was that annual event, coinciding with our national election and its aftermath that has me writing. And worrying. That and a few aggravating Facebook posts. (Ironic, I know.)
I'm always amazed every year the wide variety of kids that make my basketball team. I get mama's boys, tough boys, wanna be gangster boys, and if I'm lucky, even a few athletic boys. Regardless of the kind of players that make my team, they all have one thing in common. No matter how poorly they treat their parents and teachers, they treat me well.
Why is that? I'm their coach, that's why. I can start them or bench them. I can make them run and run and run and run. I can still even cut them from the team. They respect and fear me. Why? I'm their coach, that's why. Basketball is important to them. Even more than that, the team is important to them. So they act accordingly. Even when I insist they treat their parents and teachers respectfully, they do it. Even if they don't agree with everything I ask them to do, they do it. Because I'm their coach. They believe in me. And they didn't even vote for me.
Which made me wonder. Why don't the rest of us do that after an election? Love him or hate him, Obama is our coach. Why aren't we believing in him?
I saw the following "shared" post on Facebook today.
There are so many disturbing comments in this post it's hard for me to think straight. To me, the biggest problem is all the "you own it" phrases. What happened to "we"? When are we ever going to stop blaming and resenting the other half of our population and starting working together?
I'm forty. I'm having a seriously difficult time remembering when our country was a "we" place. A team, in other words. It happens from time to time, most notably after a natural distaster or terrorist attack. We'll rightfully send money left, right, and center to help when a hurricane like Sandy strikes. Do we bother to ask if our money is going to a Democrat or Republican then? When we hear about a fireman swimming under twelve feet of water to attach a hose to a submerged hydrant so his comrades can save a burning house, do we exclaim, "I bet he's a Democrat!" No, we don't. Why not? Because it's stupid. That's why.
I saw a "shared" video from Speaker of the House John Boehner who said after Obama was re-elected, "The Republican Party has work to do." Not the "country" has work to do. Not "Congress" has work to do. No, just the Republican Party. Meaning since "we" didn't win this time, we have to start trying to win next time. Never mind that Congress recently garnered a ten percent confidence rate among Americans. Ten. Dan Quayle had a higher confidence rating. Apparently, that doesn't concern Boehner, or anyone else in government. At least not enough to actually change the way things have been going.
This week in practice, my team was running back and forth across the gym at the end of ninety minutes of practice. One of my players is slower than the others. By far. The rest of the team was done and he had four treks left. Four teammates joined him to help him finish. Then the rest joined. Then my assistant coach and I did. Fourteen of us, tired, sweating, and working together. To finish. Together.
They could have waited and cheered him on. They could have ignored him and simply drank some water. They could have said, "You're slow. You own it." But, they didn't.
Are we part of a huge, powerful team that could work together to get our country back on top? Or are we going to stay split up into smaller, weaker, bickering teams that drag each of us down? I have no idea.
Until I do, I think I'll keep coaching my players. At least there I can see true teammates working together for a common goal. So we all can succeed. At least there I feel good that no matter who we face, we are winning or losing together. No matter what happens, we're learning and growing. Together.
I think I'll look there for inspiration. At a middle school.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Fast Food Restaurants
Like most Americans, I've been to just about every fast food chain our great country has to offer, to various degrees of success and regularity.
McDonald's, predictably, has the honor of receiving the vast majority of my visits. During my broke college years, Taco Bell ("fifty-nine cents for a taco!") and Pizza Hut ($5 pepperoni pizza Wednesdays) gave Ronald a run for his money. But, that was before the huge error of deciding to create Taco Bell/Pizza Hut hybrids. As great as grease is, you shouldn't mix them. Each kind of grease pulls the human body in different directions. Entering a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut hybrid makes me feel like I'm sinking into schizophrenia. Not as fun a ride as I would've imagined.
Regardless of your preference, there are several irrefutable facts that come with frequenting the American past time of fast food restaurants.
First, some fast food chains are simply far better than others; Five Guys Burgers and Fries over Jack in the Box, for example. As fun as Jack's advertising may be, they simply have too many cooks in the kitchen. Burgers, tacos, breakfast burritos, coos coos. Pick a demographic and stick with it, Jack. I'm begging you. Whereas, Five Guys simply does burgers and dogs. And they do them damn well.
Second, no matter what their advertising may say, every fast food chain has the same basic goal; make mostly edible, unhealthy food quickly for families and single men. (There are exceptions, of course, Subway being the most prominent. I'm not sure if I should even count Subway because they don't serve fries, which should be a mandatory characteristic of any fast food joint. That and the fact that they don't have a drive thru forces them from this piece.)
But honestly, the goal of fast food restaurants is to make money by cooking cheap food of varying degrees of taste, while following lax rules given by the FDA.
As Americans, we know and understand these facts. Which is why many of us laugh when these kinds of places try to be sneaky with succumbing to the new laws of informing the consumer of the calories in each item of food sold. Until recently, McDonald's had their calorie information on the backs of the paper tray liners. Who looks there? That kind of following the letter-of-the-law thinking really isn't necessary. (I see enough of that on a daily basis teaching middle school.) Seriously, we know we're eating cheap food, no matter how edible or not it may be, which usually lands in the zip code of a thousand calories. We know. We understand. We're still here. Just give us our food. And don't forget the damn straw. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
I don't even think the calorie numbers should be there. They should go with small icons instead. Lord knows we're used to those from our smart phone apps. The low calorie, "healthy component" foods should have a silhouette of Richard Simmons or Jillian Michaels. Each level to follow would have another famous shadow get bigger and bigger until the Big Mac has the form of Alfred Hitchcock, or perhaps a coffin, next to it.
I really don't understand why the government wastes its time on such things. If you're going to target fast food chains, fine. But, do it for a worthy cause. For example, requiring all individual ketchup containers be proper size for dipping. Why is this so difficult? One one hand, Burger King is brilliant by giving the customer the option of fries, sweet potato fries, or onion rings with every value meal. But, their ketchup container is the size of a quarter, which means you can't dip the onion ring into the ketchup unless you're an expert on fried batter origami. Unacceptable.
Another rule. No fast food chain can advertise the fact that they use recycled materials in their napkins, food containers, etc when they have NO recycling containers in the restaurant. What's the point? "All of our paper products are made from recycled materials." Now, throw it all away. As far as I know, Burgerville and Taco Time are the only chains of any size that consistently has recycling containers. Inexcusable.
Next, stop trying to pretend like your healthy food is actually healthy. Salad. Makes sense, until you have a packet of dressing that could embalm a buffalo and a packet of croutons and baco bits. I'm for all those things, of course, but who are you kidding calling it healthy? It's like calling a garbage man a "sanitation engineer". An important job for sure, but I don't think engineering is what most of us think about in regards to that position.
Lastly, stupid toys in the kids' meals. Stop it. Now. I get the fact that the parent companies involved between the movie studios and the fast food joints come up with these deals. Whenever a huge (assumed) blockbuster movie is about to be released, they join forces with McD's or Burger King or whoever. There are cups and fry containers with the movie title and sometimes a game is involved where you can be the one person in the country who actually goes on-line to type in a seventeen character code to see if you've won a Ford Mustang or an X-Box.
I must step aside for a moment. This on-line prize thing has gone too far. McDonald's teamed up with the Olympics this past summer. Okay, fine. It's ironic that if an athlete ever spent any extended time at a McD's the only Olympic sport they could qualify for would be sumo wrestling, but that's not important.
During the Summer Olympics, to find out if you won anything after visiting McDonald's you had to go on-line and type in a code to find out what Olympic event you were rooting for and then wait and find out if an American athlete medaled to see if you won. Seriously? I'm supposed to have time for this? They couldn't just have the name behind a scratch box and then we can go on-line if our lives become any more boring than they already are? Besides, as Americans, we love those scratch boxes. It's one reason why the lottery is so popular. Very limited physical movement, with the chance of being rich. It's instant gratification. Or it's instant disappointment and we buy a scone and a vanilla latte. No matter what, we win. Instantly. See the theme? It should go hand in hand with fast food, shouldn't it?
Back to the toys. I have four daughters, or fifteen, depending on their behavior on any given day. Regardless, we've bought many a fast food kids' meal. They have toys inside the bag. Dumb, cheap, pathetic toys. Why? Is it really so hard to come up with something somewhat interesting and well made?
Recently, McDonald's kids' meals were teamed with Power Rangers. For some mysterious reason, my girls love that show. (At the moment, my two middle daughters are engaged to the Red and Blue rangers. My wife and I are very proud.) The official Power Rangers toy was a small plastic POS with three small disks that shot about twelve inches, but not in a straight line. I figure I'll be peeing like that once I hit sixty. I don't need extra reminders of that now.
Not surprisingly, the kids forget about the damn toy before we even pull into the garage. Do we really need to be wasting that much plastic for those things? Last night, the girls got a book in their bag from Arby's. Kudos there. That makes sense. It was about a curly fry finding out why he was special. Not the most fascinating story line, mind you, but it had a stronger plot and message than any tween show on the Disney Channel. And it was a book. You know, those things that have pages with words on them? Our seven-year-old actually wanted to read it to us in the car. That is far more valuable than getting hit upside the head by a paper disc shot by a piece of plastic that will be in a landfill by next week, or next month depending on when we clean out the car.
Here in America, we have numerous choices for everything. (Except, of course, electing a presidential candidate who's not a Democrat or Republican. But, I digress.) There's rarely a street in this country where there's only one fast food restaurant. They're like car dealerships. There's never one by itself. Perhaps, if we start being a bit more picky about what place we eat out at, particularly one(s) that start following these new rules, maybe the others would follow. Together, we can make a difference.
Or, we could actually eat at home more often.
McDonald's, predictably, has the honor of receiving the vast majority of my visits. During my broke college years, Taco Bell ("fifty-nine cents for a taco!") and Pizza Hut ($5 pepperoni pizza Wednesdays) gave Ronald a run for his money. But, that was before the huge error of deciding to create Taco Bell/Pizza Hut hybrids. As great as grease is, you shouldn't mix them. Each kind of grease pulls the human body in different directions. Entering a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut hybrid makes me feel like I'm sinking into schizophrenia. Not as fun a ride as I would've imagined.
Regardless of your preference, there are several irrefutable facts that come with frequenting the American past time of fast food restaurants.
First, some fast food chains are simply far better than others; Five Guys Burgers and Fries over Jack in the Box, for example. As fun as Jack's advertising may be, they simply have too many cooks in the kitchen. Burgers, tacos, breakfast burritos, coos coos. Pick a demographic and stick with it, Jack. I'm begging you. Whereas, Five Guys simply does burgers and dogs. And they do them damn well.
Second, no matter what their advertising may say, every fast food chain has the same basic goal; make mostly edible, unhealthy food quickly for families and single men. (There are exceptions, of course, Subway being the most prominent. I'm not sure if I should even count Subway because they don't serve fries, which should be a mandatory characteristic of any fast food joint. That and the fact that they don't have a drive thru forces them from this piece.)
But honestly, the goal of fast food restaurants is to make money by cooking cheap food of varying degrees of taste, while following lax rules given by the FDA.
As Americans, we know and understand these facts. Which is why many of us laugh when these kinds of places try to be sneaky with succumbing to the new laws of informing the consumer of the calories in each item of food sold. Until recently, McDonald's had their calorie information on the backs of the paper tray liners. Who looks there? That kind of following the letter-of-the-law thinking really isn't necessary. (I see enough of that on a daily basis teaching middle school.) Seriously, we know we're eating cheap food, no matter how edible or not it may be, which usually lands in the zip code of a thousand calories. We know. We understand. We're still here. Just give us our food. And don't forget the damn straw. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
I don't even think the calorie numbers should be there. They should go with small icons instead. Lord knows we're used to those from our smart phone apps. The low calorie, "healthy component" foods should have a silhouette of Richard Simmons or Jillian Michaels. Each level to follow would have another famous shadow get bigger and bigger until the Big Mac has the form of Alfred Hitchcock, or perhaps a coffin, next to it.
I really don't understand why the government wastes its time on such things. If you're going to target fast food chains, fine. But, do it for a worthy cause. For example, requiring all individual ketchup containers be proper size for dipping. Why is this so difficult? One one hand, Burger King is brilliant by giving the customer the option of fries, sweet potato fries, or onion rings with every value meal. But, their ketchup container is the size of a quarter, which means you can't dip the onion ring into the ketchup unless you're an expert on fried batter origami. Unacceptable.
Another rule. No fast food chain can advertise the fact that they use recycled materials in their napkins, food containers, etc when they have NO recycling containers in the restaurant. What's the point? "All of our paper products are made from recycled materials." Now, throw it all away. As far as I know, Burgerville and Taco Time are the only chains of any size that consistently has recycling containers. Inexcusable.
Next, stop trying to pretend like your healthy food is actually healthy. Salad. Makes sense, until you have a packet of dressing that could embalm a buffalo and a packet of croutons and baco bits. I'm for all those things, of course, but who are you kidding calling it healthy? It's like calling a garbage man a "sanitation engineer". An important job for sure, but I don't think engineering is what most of us think about in regards to that position.
Lastly, stupid toys in the kids' meals. Stop it. Now. I get the fact that the parent companies involved between the movie studios and the fast food joints come up with these deals. Whenever a huge (assumed) blockbuster movie is about to be released, they join forces with McD's or Burger King or whoever. There are cups and fry containers with the movie title and sometimes a game is involved where you can be the one person in the country who actually goes on-line to type in a seventeen character code to see if you've won a Ford Mustang or an X-Box.
I must step aside for a moment. This on-line prize thing has gone too far. McDonald's teamed up with the Olympics this past summer. Okay, fine. It's ironic that if an athlete ever spent any extended time at a McD's the only Olympic sport they could qualify for would be sumo wrestling, but that's not important.
During the Summer Olympics, to find out if you won anything after visiting McDonald's you had to go on-line and type in a code to find out what Olympic event you were rooting for and then wait and find out if an American athlete medaled to see if you won. Seriously? I'm supposed to have time for this? They couldn't just have the name behind a scratch box and then we can go on-line if our lives become any more boring than they already are? Besides, as Americans, we love those scratch boxes. It's one reason why the lottery is so popular. Very limited physical movement, with the chance of being rich. It's instant gratification. Or it's instant disappointment and we buy a scone and a vanilla latte. No matter what, we win. Instantly. See the theme? It should go hand in hand with fast food, shouldn't it?
Back to the toys. I have four daughters, or fifteen, depending on their behavior on any given day. Regardless, we've bought many a fast food kids' meal. They have toys inside the bag. Dumb, cheap, pathetic toys. Why? Is it really so hard to come up with something somewhat interesting and well made?
Recently, McDonald's kids' meals were teamed with Power Rangers. For some mysterious reason, my girls love that show. (At the moment, my two middle daughters are engaged to the Red and Blue rangers. My wife and I are very proud.) The official Power Rangers toy was a small plastic POS with three small disks that shot about twelve inches, but not in a straight line. I figure I'll be peeing like that once I hit sixty. I don't need extra reminders of that now.
Not surprisingly, the kids forget about the damn toy before we even pull into the garage. Do we really need to be wasting that much plastic for those things? Last night, the girls got a book in their bag from Arby's. Kudos there. That makes sense. It was about a curly fry finding out why he was special. Not the most fascinating story line, mind you, but it had a stronger plot and message than any tween show on the Disney Channel. And it was a book. You know, those things that have pages with words on them? Our seven-year-old actually wanted to read it to us in the car. That is far more valuable than getting hit upside the head by a paper disc shot by a piece of plastic that will be in a landfill by next week, or next month depending on when we clean out the car.
Here in America, we have numerous choices for everything. (Except, of course, electing a presidential candidate who's not a Democrat or Republican. But, I digress.) There's rarely a street in this country where there's only one fast food restaurant. They're like car dealerships. There's never one by itself. Perhaps, if we start being a bit more picky about what place we eat out at, particularly one(s) that start following these new rules, maybe the others would follow. Together, we can make a difference.
Or, we could actually eat at home more often.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Cheap Shot or Fair Play?
As is the norm for an NFL Sunday, there were quite a few interesting plays that occurred during the afternoon's games. But, one above all the others intrigues me (and many others) more than any in recent memory.
A large percentage of NFL games ends in the same way. The final seconds are ticking away. The offensive team is one play from winning. They line up in "Victory Formation", offensive line and running backs crowding close to hike the ball to the quarterback, who promptly kneels down to end the game. The defense barely moves, if at all. Game over. Everyone shakes hands and leaves to celebrate what went right or debate what went wrong. That was not the case in the game between the New York Giants and Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
It was a wild game to say the least. Huge momentum shifts. Close to 800 total passing yards. Massive stats positive and negative for Eli Manning. The Giants were five seconds from victory. Not surprisingly, they were in the "Victory Formation" described above. Instead of things ending as every other kneel down I've seen, the Bucs defensive team stormed forward into New York's offensive line, knocking Eli Manning to the ground, the ball safely in his possession. Different. But, game over. Yes and no.
Giants coach Tom Couglin had harsh words for Bucs coach Greg Schiano at mid-field. Couglin spoke about it at his press conference, saying, "We don't do that in this league." Schiano stated in his press conference that he expects and teaches his players to play, "Until we're told the game is over."
I've already seen several NFL analysts, mainly former players and coaches, who have denounced Coach Schiano and the Bucs. I've read a blog entry with the same point of view. Though, the readers' comments of that blog run about fifty-fifty on the topic. I saw another blog in support of the play. I saw two former players debate the topic on the NFL Network, with one coming down on each side.
Being an avid NFL fan, I thought I'd give my two cents. Before I begin, I must confess that I am a life long fan of the Bucs. Honestly, though, I've tried to keep my loyalties out of this one. That being said, I have no problem with what Schiano did for several reasons.
First, the game was wild. One team looking like they would pull an upset. The other refusing to die and mounting an amazing comeback and taking the lead. The Bucs come back and tie it again. The Giants scored yet again. Back and forth and back and forth. Who's to say one more wild play couldn't have been added to the tally? Were the odds vastly against a fumble happening and the Bucs running the ball for a tying touchdown? Of course. But, the odds were vastly against Eli Manning throwing for nearly 300 yards in the fourth quarter and 510 for the game. Weird shit happens. Remember, they were down by one score. Any more than that and the play doesn't happen that way.
Second, Coughlin stated he was concerned about the play causing possible injuries to his offensive line and Super Bowl MVP quarterback. Okay, fine. But, get serious. Players can get hurt on every play in the game. That's why they wear helmets and pads. No one was trying to hurt someone else. The Bucs were undoubtedly ticked over blowing a fourteen point second half lead and giving up so many big plays. The Giants were excited for completing such an improbable comeback and gutting out the win. Understood. What's the harm in giving everything you have for one more play? As Schiano said, "It wasn't a dirty play." It was straightforward. Go for the ball. Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky.
Third, I've seen hundreds of those "Victory Formation" plays. Every Giant player and coach has seen far, far more than I have. It was obvious to me that something was up before the ball was even snapped. The Bucs were crouched low, weight forward, back legs kicking the turf, ready to spring through the offensive line. If the Giants' players and coaching staff were paying attention, they would've noticed something was amiss and been prepared for it. But, they didn't. Don't blame the Bucs because you weren't ready.
Lastly, the NFL is simply becoming too damn weak for my tastes. The most recent Collective Bargaining Agreement is beyond lame. In a sixteen game season, teams are only allowed to have fourteen practices in pads. Fourteen. Really? I could handle fourteen full contact practices in four months and I'm forty and fat. There are no more two-a-day practices in training camp. Every high school in the country has two-a-day practices. But, not the big, bad professionals. After all, RGIII or Tom Brady or Cam Newton could get a hangnail and then where would the league be? Seriously, Manning was knocked over. Not hit. Not sacked. Not injured. Knocked over. He's fine. Move on.
I know, I know. What if the roles were reversed and this happened against the Bucs? Honestly, I think I'd feel the same way. Be ready to play every play. Fluke things happen. Mistakes happen. Weird shit happens. Be ready for it and quit bitching.
A large percentage of NFL games ends in the same way. The final seconds are ticking away. The offensive team is one play from winning. They line up in "Victory Formation", offensive line and running backs crowding close to hike the ball to the quarterback, who promptly kneels down to end the game. The defense barely moves, if at all. Game over. Everyone shakes hands and leaves to celebrate what went right or debate what went wrong. That was not the case in the game between the New York Giants and Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
It was a wild game to say the least. Huge momentum shifts. Close to 800 total passing yards. Massive stats positive and negative for Eli Manning. The Giants were five seconds from victory. Not surprisingly, they were in the "Victory Formation" described above. Instead of things ending as every other kneel down I've seen, the Bucs defensive team stormed forward into New York's offensive line, knocking Eli Manning to the ground, the ball safely in his possession. Different. But, game over. Yes and no.
Giants coach Tom Couglin had harsh words for Bucs coach Greg Schiano at mid-field. Couglin spoke about it at his press conference, saying, "We don't do that in this league." Schiano stated in his press conference that he expects and teaches his players to play, "Until we're told the game is over."
I've already seen several NFL analysts, mainly former players and coaches, who have denounced Coach Schiano and the Bucs. I've read a blog entry with the same point of view. Though, the readers' comments of that blog run about fifty-fifty on the topic. I saw another blog in support of the play. I saw two former players debate the topic on the NFL Network, with one coming down on each side.
Being an avid NFL fan, I thought I'd give my two cents. Before I begin, I must confess that I am a life long fan of the Bucs. Honestly, though, I've tried to keep my loyalties out of this one. That being said, I have no problem with what Schiano did for several reasons.
First, the game was wild. One team looking like they would pull an upset. The other refusing to die and mounting an amazing comeback and taking the lead. The Bucs come back and tie it again. The Giants scored yet again. Back and forth and back and forth. Who's to say one more wild play couldn't have been added to the tally? Were the odds vastly against a fumble happening and the Bucs running the ball for a tying touchdown? Of course. But, the odds were vastly against Eli Manning throwing for nearly 300 yards in the fourth quarter and 510 for the game. Weird shit happens. Remember, they were down by one score. Any more than that and the play doesn't happen that way.
Second, Coughlin stated he was concerned about the play causing possible injuries to his offensive line and Super Bowl MVP quarterback. Okay, fine. But, get serious. Players can get hurt on every play in the game. That's why they wear helmets and pads. No one was trying to hurt someone else. The Bucs were undoubtedly ticked over blowing a fourteen point second half lead and giving up so many big plays. The Giants were excited for completing such an improbable comeback and gutting out the win. Understood. What's the harm in giving everything you have for one more play? As Schiano said, "It wasn't a dirty play." It was straightforward. Go for the ball. Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky.
Third, I've seen hundreds of those "Victory Formation" plays. Every Giant player and coach has seen far, far more than I have. It was obvious to me that something was up before the ball was even snapped. The Bucs were crouched low, weight forward, back legs kicking the turf, ready to spring through the offensive line. If the Giants' players and coaching staff were paying attention, they would've noticed something was amiss and been prepared for it. But, they didn't. Don't blame the Bucs because you weren't ready.
Lastly, the NFL is simply becoming too damn weak for my tastes. The most recent Collective Bargaining Agreement is beyond lame. In a sixteen game season, teams are only allowed to have fourteen practices in pads. Fourteen. Really? I could handle fourteen full contact practices in four months and I'm forty and fat. There are no more two-a-day practices in training camp. Every high school in the country has two-a-day practices. But, not the big, bad professionals. After all, RGIII or Tom Brady or Cam Newton could get a hangnail and then where would the league be? Seriously, Manning was knocked over. Not hit. Not sacked. Not injured. Knocked over. He's fine. Move on.
I know, I know. What if the roles were reversed and this happened against the Bucs? Honestly, I think I'd feel the same way. Be ready to play every play. Fluke things happen. Mistakes happen. Weird shit happens. Be ready for it and quit bitching.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Cupcake Wars
It's obvious, even to an idiot like me, that reality television is here to stay. It's beyond popular, which explains why there are so many shows and networks devoted entirely to that genre. It's also cheaper to produce, film, and air a reality based show than a scripted one with actual characters and plot. Reality television isn't going anywhere. And that's a damn shame.
I have many problems with reality television, the biggest being is that very little of it actually seems based on any kind of reality. Calling Jersey Shore realistic is just plain scary. Same goes for any show with the word "Housewives" in its title. Honestly, if I knew anyone who was remotely like any of these people, I'd move far away.
Do I hate all reality TV? No. Do I hate most of it? Damn straight. But, my most pure and raw hatred of reality programming gets funneled into one show, Cupcake Wars.
The reasons for my disgust with this show is tenfold. But, for any poor soul who actually reads this and for my own sanity, I'll pare it down.
My first problem with the show is the title. Wars? Really? I'm ashamed to say I've seen this show numerous times. (When I first became a father, I knew all parents made sacrifices for their children. But, I didn't truly understand the level of pain I'd have to endure until my daughters discovered this show.) I've yet to see anything close to a skirmish, let alone a war, on any episode. Though, personally, I'd be all for it. Lord knows I'd love for that French judge to get a spatula upside the head a few times an episode. I think the final two bakers, their assistants, and the extra cupcake helpers should tie their wrists together in pairs, give everyone a butter knife and a set of measuring cups, and let them throw down like West Side Story (or a Michael Jackson video). Good times guaranteed.
A quick side note. Any time the word Wars is used in a title, the host should be a bit more, uh, rough around the edges. Wearing a tie and sweater vest isn't exactly standard issue for most armies. At least wear some khaki cargo pants like the Survivor host. Give an effort, for God's sake.
I think the judges should be able to get more involved. That French dude is mean. I've heard him call cupcakes "inedible" and a "nightmare", which I think is harsh. If he's that pissed about the taste and/or texture of a cupcake then I think he should show us. We can barely understand him anyway. He could throw it back at the baker and scream, "How dare you offend my palate in this manner." He could gag and throw up in a trash can. All three judges could turn their backs and shun the offending cook like the Amish. That would be entertaining and would keep the viewers on the edge of their seats, or at least wake them up.
I also dislike how various contestants are simply set up for failure. I saw a perfect example of this on a recent episode. One of the competing bakeries uses beer in all their cupcakes. (Genius!) Obviously, this baker must be talented, or she wouldn't have been chosen to be on the show. (Either that, or she gave free samples to the producers.) So, what episode do they choose for this beer-in-the-cupcake-batter baker? The 100th Anniversary of the Girl Scouts.
Obviously, this baker and her assistant chose to stick to what they actually do for a living and what got them on the show in the first place, bake cupcakes with beer in the batter. Guess who was booted off in the first segment? Guess why she was booted off? For using beer to make cupcakes for Girl Scouts. Even though the alcohol burns away, the judges were concerned with the idea of beer batter cupcakes being given to Girl Scouts. Well, duh. How about being concerned that the person who chooses which contestants appear on which episodes is a moron?
My biggest problem with this show is its predictability. There is never any mystery in any episode. Ever.
At least two of the four contestants will have a family member as their assistant. Everyone mentions how they are there to win and how helpful ten grand would be to their business. No kidding. No one shows up to place third and go home with nothing. Money tends to help most businesses.
There always has to be one competing bakery who is gluten free. (One day, we're probably going to find out that gluten is as harmful as asbestos. People will have to call in professionals to clean up their pantries.) This baker is guaranteed to make the final two. Apparently, gluten makes cupcakes taste worse because those without the evil ingredient are always quite successful on Cupcake Wars.
By the end of the second segment, it's obvious who's going to win. There's always one standout baker who has nailed the first two rounds with inspirational cupcakes and three who don't. Of course, one of those three has to make it to the finals.
In the final round, the baker who is just lucky to be there is always impressive with their final one thousand cupcake display and improved cupcakes. Guess what? They still lose. Of course, they are shocked and disappointed that they lost. Never mind that the final winner is decided by the accumulated skills they've shown thus far in the show. Here's a hint. If you've made it to the final round simply because the other two contestants were even worse than you, and your final opponent has received nothing but praise, you're going to lose.
Here's a few more guarantees when watching Cupcake Wars.
On the plus side, I should be able to continue to convince my girls that their dad is psychic by correctly guessing who will win each episode. That belief should come in handy in the future when I try to convince my daughters that their dates will be intimidated by their beauty and intelligence and thus will be unavailable for further contact. Perhaps, reality television has its good points too.
I have many problems with reality television, the biggest being is that very little of it actually seems based on any kind of reality. Calling Jersey Shore realistic is just plain scary. Same goes for any show with the word "Housewives" in its title. Honestly, if I knew anyone who was remotely like any of these people, I'd move far away.
Do I hate all reality TV? No. Do I hate most of it? Damn straight. But, my most pure and raw hatred of reality programming gets funneled into one show, Cupcake Wars.
The reasons for my disgust with this show is tenfold. But, for any poor soul who actually reads this and for my own sanity, I'll pare it down.
My first problem with the show is the title. Wars? Really? I'm ashamed to say I've seen this show numerous times. (When I first became a father, I knew all parents made sacrifices for their children. But, I didn't truly understand the level of pain I'd have to endure until my daughters discovered this show.) I've yet to see anything close to a skirmish, let alone a war, on any episode. Though, personally, I'd be all for it. Lord knows I'd love for that French judge to get a spatula upside the head a few times an episode. I think the final two bakers, their assistants, and the extra cupcake helpers should tie their wrists together in pairs, give everyone a butter knife and a set of measuring cups, and let them throw down like West Side Story (or a Michael Jackson video). Good times guaranteed.
A quick side note. Any time the word Wars is used in a title, the host should be a bit more, uh, rough around the edges. Wearing a tie and sweater vest isn't exactly standard issue for most armies. At least wear some khaki cargo pants like the Survivor host. Give an effort, for God's sake.
I think the judges should be able to get more involved. That French dude is mean. I've heard him call cupcakes "inedible" and a "nightmare", which I think is harsh. If he's that pissed about the taste and/or texture of a cupcake then I think he should show us. We can barely understand him anyway. He could throw it back at the baker and scream, "How dare you offend my palate in this manner." He could gag and throw up in a trash can. All three judges could turn their backs and shun the offending cook like the Amish. That would be entertaining and would keep the viewers on the edge of their seats, or at least wake them up.
I also dislike how various contestants are simply set up for failure. I saw a perfect example of this on a recent episode. One of the competing bakeries uses beer in all their cupcakes. (Genius!) Obviously, this baker must be talented, or she wouldn't have been chosen to be on the show. (Either that, or she gave free samples to the producers.) So, what episode do they choose for this beer-in-the-cupcake-batter baker? The 100th Anniversary of the Girl Scouts.
Obviously, this baker and her assistant chose to stick to what they actually do for a living and what got them on the show in the first place, bake cupcakes with beer in the batter. Guess who was booted off in the first segment? Guess why she was booted off? For using beer to make cupcakes for Girl Scouts. Even though the alcohol burns away, the judges were concerned with the idea of beer batter cupcakes being given to Girl Scouts. Well, duh. How about being concerned that the person who chooses which contestants appear on which episodes is a moron?
My biggest problem with this show is its predictability. There is never any mystery in any episode. Ever.
At least two of the four contestants will have a family member as their assistant. Everyone mentions how they are there to win and how helpful ten grand would be to their business. No kidding. No one shows up to place third and go home with nothing. Money tends to help most businesses.
There always has to be one competing bakery who is gluten free. (One day, we're probably going to find out that gluten is as harmful as asbestos. People will have to call in professionals to clean up their pantries.) This baker is guaranteed to make the final two. Apparently, gluten makes cupcakes taste worse because those without the evil ingredient are always quite successful on Cupcake Wars.
By the end of the second segment, it's obvious who's going to win. There's always one standout baker who has nailed the first two rounds with inspirational cupcakes and three who don't. Of course, one of those three has to make it to the finals.
In the final round, the baker who is just lucky to be there is always impressive with their final one thousand cupcake display and improved cupcakes. Guess what? They still lose. Of course, they are shocked and disappointed that they lost. Never mind that the final winner is decided by the accumulated skills they've shown thus far in the show. Here's a hint. If you've made it to the final round simply because the other two contestants were even worse than you, and your final opponent has received nothing but praise, you're going to lose.
Here's a few more guarantees when watching Cupcake Wars.
- Every contestant is apparently unable to read a rather large decreasing digital clock. I realize they are quite busy and stressed because they're going for ten grand on national television and they aren't given much time. All the more reason to glance at the clock once in a while, isn't it? I guess not. Every time the overdressed host yells out the time, each contestant must scream and repeat the time to their assistant, who is apparently also unable to read time or hear what was just yelled a few feet away.
- The judges eat their cupcakes with a fork. Why? If I used a fork to eat a cupcake, I'd have to turn in my man card and get my ass (rightfully) beat by my union brothers. This isn't afternoon tea with the Queen. Eat the damn cupcake with your hands.
- It takes the bakers approximately six minutes to fully describe their cupcake. "It's a chocolate peanut butter cupcake, with real peanut butter inside the cake, with a peanut butter chocolate ganache frosting, with a fondant peanut on the top..." Good God, it's a chocolate peanut butter cupcake! I'd cut your ass from the show just for using fifty-six words to tell me about something that I've already finished eating by the time you're done telling me what it is.
- By the way, the response by the French judge to such a cupcake would be something like, "I can't taste the peanut butter". The baker is obviously stunned and confused by such a statement. Either the baker is a fool who doesn't realize if you use the words "peanut butter" seven times in describing your cake, it better taste like a jar of Jif, or the judge is just a dick.
On the plus side, I should be able to continue to convince my girls that their dad is psychic by correctly guessing who will win each episode. That belief should come in handy in the future when I try to convince my daughters that their dates will be intimidated by their beauty and intelligence and thus will be unavailable for further contact. Perhaps, reality television has its good points too.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Politics
Summer is supposed to be a fun time of year. Warmer, drier weather. Outdoor activities. Baseball games. Reading books. Lots and lots and lots of grilling. Summer then leads us into my favorite season of the year, fall. Cooler temperatures. Stunning bursts of orange, yellow, and red that seem to pop up on every mountain, hill, and neighborhood street. Then, right around the corner are the black and orange and fun of Halloween. The NBA arrives, as well. And, of course, most importantly, football.
Those are supposed to be good times for the vast majority of us. They often are. But, every four years, summer and fall take a dark, sinister turn. A cloud of dismay and disgust envelopes us. Anger and frustration float from person to person, wrapping around us like dense fog. All the vibrant colors seem muted into greys and browns. The normally crisp, invigorating weather never seems to come, instead everything seems damp and dark, leaving us sodden like wet cardboard. We all know it's coming; we all dread it's arrival, but know we can do nothing to stop it. Election year.
I hate election years with a consuming passion. I know I have a huge amount of "likes" with that statement. That alone should tell us something about the state of our country. Of course, it's not us that needs to listen to such a statement, it's our elected leaders. I know, I know. Fat chance of that.
Americans hate election years for one main reason: those running for office are, more often than not, people we can't stand to look at or listen to by the time November rolls around. Or August. Perhaps, May. This is not a good thing.
Maybe I'm just an idealist, but I think an election year should be an exciting time. I think this for two main reasons. First, if our country is doing well (don't laugh, it's happened before), then an election year should be a chance to continue that cycle, by re-electing those currently in office who we think are doing a solid job. But, if our country is not doing well, then we have the chance to get those leaders who we feel are not doing a good job out of office and vote in those we feel would lead us to stronger times. But, neither of those feelings tend to happen for many of us. Why is that?
To me, the answer is simple and blunt. Most of our elected officials suck. That wouldn't be so terrible if we had faith in those running against the incumbents. But, that rarely happens.
If that wasn't bad enough, the way politicians run their campaigns tends to disgust most of us instead of inspire us. Let's start with those insipid commercials. The ones that seem to air all day, every day. The commercials that cause so many of us to turn the channel, or watch a movie instead, or even (GASP!) turn off the television. Do these people actually think the average person believes anything in a political commercial? Apparently so. Otherwise, why continue to spend so many millions of dollars making and airing those things? Simple. It's not their money. One would think a smart man/woman would find a better way to spend than that money than on commercials, actually helping their constituents, perhaps. But, I digress.
A close second in my hatred trilogy of election year standard operating procedures are political signs. The signs that clutter people's front yards, small sections of farmland that abut to freeways/highways, and everywhere else they can scrounge permission to place those things. Am I supposed to be swayed to vote for someone based on their sign? Really? What is the philosophy of putting the signs of a dozen candidates in the same thirty foot area along I-5? Am I expected to slow down from my cruising speed of 70 MPH to see who has the most impressive sign? It takes all my inner strength not to simply plow through them on my daily commute.
What is the logic behind those things? Apparently, I'm supposed to be so impressed by one candidate's sign over the others that he/she earns my vote. Uh, not happening. (Besides, I think we've used up all the possible combinations of red, white, and blue. I'm as patriotic as the next American, but there are other colors. It's really okay to try something different.) I hate to break it to those hard-working, ethical campaign managers, but I've yet to have my vote swayed by a political sign. It doesn't work with me.
Neither does the hard-hitting, in-your-face reporting of CNN, Fox, MSNBC, etc, etc, etc these months leading up to the elections. For the love of God, two of those major networks aired the wrong information on the most important United States Supreme Court ruling in recent memory. Am I supposed to be impressed by any news network after that debacle? They're so concerned with being first, they forget it's more important to be accurate. I don't let my seventh grade students get away with that crap. Am I supposed to give professional journalists a free pass? Again, not happening.
Besides, I don't need to watch those networks because they are as predictable as watching Cupcake Wars. One network loves Republicans and hates Democrats. Another network is the opposite. I wonder if their stories, daily shows, and reports from the campaign trail might follow along those guidelines? Hmmm. I have to watch Cupcake Wars occasionally because my daughters love that show. Thankfully, they have no interest in watching political networks. Neither do I.
Since I can't seem to find a show or network that represents all sides fairly, I tend to ignore them. Instead, I look to other avenues.
Recently, I watched (again) the movie Primary Colors. I found myself longing for a candidate who followed the same strategy of one of the movie's characters running for president. No, not the Clinton clone, Jack Stanton, played so well by John Travolta. No, it was Larry Hagman's Freddie Picker. The man got thousands upon thousands of people to donate blood everywhere he went. Picker didn't pay for polls or air commercials. He even saved his main opponent from being grilled on national television by Geraldo. Nobody knew how to handle him because he wasn't playing by the rules. He was going to listen to people and act accordingly. Shocking. Genius. Fiction.
Sure, Picker was a former coke fiend who slept with a man during a drug binge. What politician hasn't? How else do they earn so many outrageous donations? Male, female, gay, straight, white, black, Catholic, Mormon, atheist, married, single, underage, overage, who cares when it comes to campaign contributions? To be fair, not all major donations involve sex. I'm sure some involve powerplays, extortion, promises for future favors and various judge and job title appointments, along with other such political mainstays.
If they're going to do all that anyway, why can't they pull those pathetic commercials so Americans can watch reality television in peace? Lord knows, there's nothing real about campaign promises. What does it say about our political system that we can get more honesty on television from Howard Stern and Sharon Osborne than any presidential candidate?
Why can't we have an election system that actually makes sense? Seriously, it's 2012. My iPhone does more for me than my elected officials. SIRI gives me more concrete answers than any politician. And yet, I'm supposed to vote for these people based on a paragraph in the voter's pamphlet. Really?
We wait all these months, through the primaries, the nausea-inducing commercials, the fluctuating polls, the annoying clusters of political signs, the seemingly endless parade of possible scandals, before we see these candidates actually speak at a debate. By then do we even care? Have we been so bombarded by political propaganda that nothing said will sway our votes? Hard to say, really. And that is beyond frightening.
On the plus side, at least the NFL and NBA lockouts didn't happen in an election year. That would've really scary.
Those are supposed to be good times for the vast majority of us. They often are. But, every four years, summer and fall take a dark, sinister turn. A cloud of dismay and disgust envelopes us. Anger and frustration float from person to person, wrapping around us like dense fog. All the vibrant colors seem muted into greys and browns. The normally crisp, invigorating weather never seems to come, instead everything seems damp and dark, leaving us sodden like wet cardboard. We all know it's coming; we all dread it's arrival, but know we can do nothing to stop it. Election year.
I hate election years with a consuming passion. I know I have a huge amount of "likes" with that statement. That alone should tell us something about the state of our country. Of course, it's not us that needs to listen to such a statement, it's our elected leaders. I know, I know. Fat chance of that.
Americans hate election years for one main reason: those running for office are, more often than not, people we can't stand to look at or listen to by the time November rolls around. Or August. Perhaps, May. This is not a good thing.
Maybe I'm just an idealist, but I think an election year should be an exciting time. I think this for two main reasons. First, if our country is doing well (don't laugh, it's happened before), then an election year should be a chance to continue that cycle, by re-electing those currently in office who we think are doing a solid job. But, if our country is not doing well, then we have the chance to get those leaders who we feel are not doing a good job out of office and vote in those we feel would lead us to stronger times. But, neither of those feelings tend to happen for many of us. Why is that?
To me, the answer is simple and blunt. Most of our elected officials suck. That wouldn't be so terrible if we had faith in those running against the incumbents. But, that rarely happens.
If that wasn't bad enough, the way politicians run their campaigns tends to disgust most of us instead of inspire us. Let's start with those insipid commercials. The ones that seem to air all day, every day. The commercials that cause so many of us to turn the channel, or watch a movie instead, or even (GASP!) turn off the television. Do these people actually think the average person believes anything in a political commercial? Apparently so. Otherwise, why continue to spend so many millions of dollars making and airing those things? Simple. It's not their money. One would think a smart man/woman would find a better way to spend than that money than on commercials, actually helping their constituents, perhaps. But, I digress.
A close second in my hatred trilogy of election year standard operating procedures are political signs. The signs that clutter people's front yards, small sections of farmland that abut to freeways/highways, and everywhere else they can scrounge permission to place those things. Am I supposed to be swayed to vote for someone based on their sign? Really? What is the philosophy of putting the signs of a dozen candidates in the same thirty foot area along I-5? Am I expected to slow down from my cruising speed of 70 MPH to see who has the most impressive sign? It takes all my inner strength not to simply plow through them on my daily commute.
What is the logic behind those things? Apparently, I'm supposed to be so impressed by one candidate's sign over the others that he/she earns my vote. Uh, not happening. (Besides, I think we've used up all the possible combinations of red, white, and blue. I'm as patriotic as the next American, but there are other colors. It's really okay to try something different.) I hate to break it to those hard-working, ethical campaign managers, but I've yet to have my vote swayed by a political sign. It doesn't work with me.
Neither does the hard-hitting, in-your-face reporting of CNN, Fox, MSNBC, etc, etc, etc these months leading up to the elections. For the love of God, two of those major networks aired the wrong information on the most important United States Supreme Court ruling in recent memory. Am I supposed to be impressed by any news network after that debacle? They're so concerned with being first, they forget it's more important to be accurate. I don't let my seventh grade students get away with that crap. Am I supposed to give professional journalists a free pass? Again, not happening.
Besides, I don't need to watch those networks because they are as predictable as watching Cupcake Wars. One network loves Republicans and hates Democrats. Another network is the opposite. I wonder if their stories, daily shows, and reports from the campaign trail might follow along those guidelines? Hmmm. I have to watch Cupcake Wars occasionally because my daughters love that show. Thankfully, they have no interest in watching political networks. Neither do I.
Since I can't seem to find a show or network that represents all sides fairly, I tend to ignore them. Instead, I look to other avenues.
Recently, I watched (again) the movie Primary Colors. I found myself longing for a candidate who followed the same strategy of one of the movie's characters running for president. No, not the Clinton clone, Jack Stanton, played so well by John Travolta. No, it was Larry Hagman's Freddie Picker. The man got thousands upon thousands of people to donate blood everywhere he went. Picker didn't pay for polls or air commercials. He even saved his main opponent from being grilled on national television by Geraldo. Nobody knew how to handle him because he wasn't playing by the rules. He was going to listen to people and act accordingly. Shocking. Genius. Fiction.
Sure, Picker was a former coke fiend who slept with a man during a drug binge. What politician hasn't? How else do they earn so many outrageous donations? Male, female, gay, straight, white, black, Catholic, Mormon, atheist, married, single, underage, overage, who cares when it comes to campaign contributions? To be fair, not all major donations involve sex. I'm sure some involve powerplays, extortion, promises for future favors and various judge and job title appointments, along with other such political mainstays.
If they're going to do all that anyway, why can't they pull those pathetic commercials so Americans can watch reality television in peace? Lord knows, there's nothing real about campaign promises. What does it say about our political system that we can get more honesty on television from Howard Stern and Sharon Osborne than any presidential candidate?
Why can't we have an election system that actually makes sense? Seriously, it's 2012. My iPhone does more for me than my elected officials. SIRI gives me more concrete answers than any politician. And yet, I'm supposed to vote for these people based on a paragraph in the voter's pamphlet. Really?
We wait all these months, through the primaries, the nausea-inducing commercials, the fluctuating polls, the annoying clusters of political signs, the seemingly endless parade of possible scandals, before we see these candidates actually speak at a debate. By then do we even care? Have we been so bombarded by political propaganda that nothing said will sway our votes? Hard to say, really. And that is beyond frightening.
On the plus side, at least the NFL and NBA lockouts didn't happen in an election year. That would've really scary.
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