Annoying/Stupid Signs & Warnings

I assume I'm like a lot of people out there. I consider myself to be average in most respects. Average height, weight, income, etc, etc, etc. Granted, there aren't too many people with four daughters, but there are exceptions to everything. Like everyone else, I often get annoyed.

I probably tend to get in that state more often than the average Joe. I teach middle school for nine months a year and driver's ed the other three. Basically, I get paid to be annoyed on a regular basis. Honestly, I can handle middle school kids and teenage drivers being irritating because that's what they do. It's what I did. It's the law. What really bothers me is when adults and our society do it. Seriously, we should have outgrown this by now.

Recently, I've been noticing some very weird and stupid signs and warnings. They've always been there, of course. But, for some reason, lately they've burrowed into my consciousness more than normal. I'll give you the most annoying road sign as an example. "Slow Children Playing."

That sign is just insulting any way you look at it. It's calling out the lack of physical speed or mental capacity of an entire neighborhood of children. Either way, it's just mean.

I understand that road signs are not cheap and that they can't use too many words or characters because of cost. But, I can't see how a comma would put us in any deeper debt than we already are. Really, a comma after 'Slow' is all it would take. With all the bullying and harassment going on at school and online, our kids don't need a cheap shot from the Department of Transportation. If they can afford to have the figures using a crosswalk have bags or purses, or whatever the hell those things are, in a crosswalk sign, then they can foot the bill for a comma.

How about the question on the machine after using a credit or debit card to make a purchase? I've been asked, "Is this amount okay?" far too many times. Rarely is it okay, especially if I've dropped any amount of significant money at a place like Wal-Mart. Exposing myself to dozens of people in pajama pants and small children with iPods at 10:30 PM is not okay no matter what I've spent. "Is this amount accurate?" is a far more appropriate question. It's all in the wording and its importance can not be overstated.

Warning labels, however, are among the worst. Yes, there are important and helpful warning labels around. I can't think of any right now, but I'm sure they're out there. But, they are far outnumbered by obvious and unnecessary labels. The fact that these things are even printed and placed on various items to be sold is straight up pathetic. As we all know, any stupid and obvious warning label usually means someone actually did what the warning says not to do and then sued the company who made it to get some money.

Personally, I think if someone sues over the warnings written below and similarly ridiculous ones that I haven't mentioned, their name, photo, and contact information should be printed along with the warning. Something tells me there would be fewer lawsuits and thus less laughable warning labels.

Every plastic bag that holds any kind of product is printed with the label "Not a Toy". Obviously. Granted, kids will play with cardboard boxes. But, let's face it, boxes are cool. They're perfect for Hide and Seek and sitting in to watch television. You can push your siblings around the house or down the stairs and vice versa. You can draw on them and cut out shapes; the possibilities are endless. Last month, my parents had a dishwasher box in their living room that had a door and windows cut out for my daughters to play "house". But, a plastic bag? I think not.

Oh, and you shouldn't let an infant put a plastic bag over his/her face. Apparently, that could be dangerous and could even lead to suffocation. Good to know. I should clean up the myriad of plastic bags I have rolling around my house like tumbleweeds.

Those little packets of fresheners in various non-edible, household packages are not food. That's important to mention in case you thought your package from Home Depot might contain a snack, as well.

Be careful. Christmas lights may become wrapped around a child's neck if you're too busy playing Family Farm on Facebook to notice.

You should not put your foot under a lawn mower when it's in motion. I guess Nike and others haven't mastered a properly protective shoe for mowing lawns. Until then, resist temptation and heed the warning.

Blow dryers are not to be used around water. Apparently, it's not nearly as funny in real life as it is in the movies. Who knew?

Your coffee cup from McDonald's may contain a hot liquid. Shocking. I guess having a warm cup in your hand doesn't tip off some people that the liquid inside might be even hotter. Better safe than sorry.

Here's one last prime, true example of pure idiocy. There's a seven inch long warning label on my wife's hair curler. One warning says, and I'm not making this up, "Do NOT use on eyelashes". You mean I'm not supposed to put a two inch thick, foot long, red hot poker in my eye? That is good to know, because my eyelashes keep straightening out and puncturing my pillow. It's so annoying. I guess I'll have to come up with some other way of making sure they stay curly.

What numbskull really did this and then sued? It's cases like this that make me wish I was a judge. The barrage of demeaning and insulting remarks I would rain down on such a person (and her lawyer) would be therapeutic for all of us. Hell, I might even sue them both just for wasting my time and pissing me off, thus raising my blood pressure to a dangerous level. Obviously, they would have to pay for such a life threatening act, especially without warning me first that anger can lead to a rapid increase of my pulse rate.

I know there are literally thousands of other similar warnings out there. It does make me wonder if reading warnings like this helped Johnny Knoxville from the Jackass television show and movies get his ideas. At least his show was appropriately named. Perhaps, that should be printed on all such warnings. Jackass Warning(s).

I suppose there are worse things than being annoyed by stupid signs and warnings. I could be one of the reasons those warnings exist. Of course, I'd be rich from the pathetic, yet lucrative, lawsuit. Hmmmm. Rich and stupid or annoyed and average? Seeing as I'm currently raising children, I should be responsible and stick with choice number two, I guess.

Otherwise, that "Slow Children Playing" street sign wouldn't be so mean. It'd be accurate.