Man Flag

This morning over breakfast I was talking with my brother-in-law. Not surprisingly, the talk turned to bacon. It didn't matter that we weren't eating bacon. Either way, many of our conversations rightfully turn towards the wonder that is bacon. Someway, somehow the idea of a man flag popped in my head. 

When that thought did show itself, I began to dig deeper into what would be on such a flag. It would be blue, of course. Navy. That seems properly manly to me. So is black. But, it's also depressing. I don't want that. This flag should be inspirational, and, uh, manly. 

It should go without saying that a man flag must have the most important animal ever created grace its fabric. That animal could only be, you guessed it, the noble pig. What other animal has given man so much pleasure? Yes, the Bald Eagle is very impressive and is the rightful symbol of our country. That could never, and should never, be changed. But, I'm not talking about replacing our country's flag or national symbol. I'm talking about glorifying a truly remarkable specimen of nature upon the man flag. Think what this amazing animal gives us. Bacon! Ham! Pork chops! Bacon! 

The pig also has other important qualities that earn and demand our respect. They are not endangered. There are plenty of pigs and that's the way it should always be. I can only imagine the horrors that would beset this planet of ours if there were ever, God forbid, a pig shortage. We can handle almost any other malady: tsunamis, tornadoes, heat waves, rising unemployment and gas prices, high crime rate, poverty, zombie apocalypse. The list goes on and on. We find ways to adapt to such difficult challenges. But, that is nothing compared to what would happen if there were ever a shortage, or rationing, of bacon. Shudder. I prefer not to think about it.

Another quality of the pig that I appreciate is that it's not exactly a difficult animal to catch. They are not swift. They don't fly. They don't sting. They have no talons, rows of razor-sharp teeth, or other defensive weapons that we fear. They are not quiet or stealthy. People used to actually grease pigs up. Men (of course) tried to catch them in front of crowds at county fairs. Why this became such a phenomenon, I don't know. Perhaps, they promised bacon after the event. The point is that Ray Charles could track and kill a pig. And I'm thankful for that.

I realize I'm alienating vegetarian men (both of them) and a major religion who don't eat pork. Tough shit.

Obviously, there would be other things on the man flag. There would be an ode to sports. I picture this part to be holographic. With our technology, there must be a way to have multiple logos of sports teams within one impressive holograph. It would no doubt cause most men to stare for lengthy periods of time trying to find our respective favorite teams' logos. This would take up large amounts of our valuable time, but sports do that anyway. 

Women would also have to be included in some form. And, no, I don't mean like that silhouette on those classy mud flaps on so many pickup trucks and semis. Seriously, on a mud flap? Whose brilliant idea was that? Probably the same kind of men who buy those things. I would never endorse such a version of the female form anyway. Whenever I see that specific woman, I think of one thing. Pole. Since I've vowed that none of my daughters will ever adorn a pole, I can't allow such a thing on the man flag.

This is sensitive territory. The biggest problem is, no matter what woman, in whatever way, is put on the man flag, wives and girlfriends the world over will be questioning if their husbands and boyfriends think the flag woman is prettier than they are. That is a major problem. Couples have enough to fight about. The man flag should not be one of them. It taints it. I won't allow that to happen to bacon.

My idea is this. The flag will have a blank space. That area is for each man to add a photo, or avatar if you will, of his love. (That love must be real and reciprocated, gentlemen. I don't want to see a thousand flags with Megan Fox on it. It would be wrong and would cause fighting within our union. That can't be allowed.) It goes without saying that the woman in question can choose what photo, or part of her body, is emblazoned on the flag. But, she must allow something up there. Each flag must be complete. It's in the contract that comes in every package, along with the rules of treatment. In short, it must be treated with the respect it deserves. 

It may be used as a bib, but only when on an important date. It will be flown at half-mast after every playoff loss your team suffers. It must never touch the hands of a vegetarian. If it is flown rigid for over four hours, consult a physician. 

That brings us to alcohol, beer specifically. I picture logos of as many beers as possible along the edges of the flag. They would be small, but they would be there. In fact, there could be numerous rows of beer logos, if needed. Perhaps, those inner rows should have poker chips and playing cards instead. Hmmm. We may need to take that issue to a vote at the next meeting.

That's about it. I toyed with the idea of having the pig be scratch 'n sniff. Bacon. But, that would confuse intoxicated men. We couldn't have our sacred flag damaged by teeth and frustration. That would be wrong.

I know what some of you are thinking. What about the woman flag? Those of you who know me well, know that I have a wife and four daughters. Surely, I would be qualified to at least theorize about what would adorn the woman flag. Uh, no I wouldn't. I am not the brightest bulb in the box. I commit acts of stupidity on a daily basis. If I'm lucky, it's just once a day. But, I am not suicidal. 

Which brings me back to stupid. I'll surmise about two things that might find their way onto the female flag. I'm guessing having an image of a male completing a common household chore (vacuuming, washing dishes, cleaning the toilet) would be somewhere in the middle area. I'm also assuming they would use the same idea of using a photo of their specific spouse or boyfriend for the task in question. Either that, or Channing Tatum. The words, "I'm wrong", in every language, would no doubt be present, as well. Beyond that, I'm done. Someone else can take it from here.

I really think the man flag should happen. It would unite men of all races. After all, we have so many differences. Actually, we don't. But, it would be another reason to get together to drink beer and watch sports, to high-five each other for other people's accomplishments, to grill various kinds of meat in properly cool aprons and t-shirts, to play fantasy sport after fantasy sport, to play poker, to watch pay-per-view sporting events and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. And, of course, to eat bacon. 

What could be more important than that?