Diet Pepsi Middle School

I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Aside from a short time in my formative years trying to become Indiana Jones's or Kathy Ireland's assistant, teaching is all I really remember wanting to do. I was an education major from day one in college. I earned a Master's Degree several years ago. I'm respected by staff, parents, and most students in my school, where I've just started my ninth year teaching seventh grade. I guess you could say the dream came true. It's too bad, really. 

Maybe if I hadn't become a teacher I wouldn't be so upset with the current state of education. Across this country of ours, public schools are going down in flames. It's not for a lack of qualified teachers or desire or passion or lack of need. It's a lack of money. And that is just pathetic if you think about it. 

Our "leaders" spent millions upon millions of dollars on those political commercials we all enjoyed so much. Yet, public school districts in Washington had to sue the state because some of those same "leaders" refused to follow the state constitution for minimal funding for our children. The Washington State Supreme Court ruled against the state of Washington. Nothing has changed. All those who are surprised, raise your hands.

Since there seems to be no chance our elected leaders will do their jobs in regards to funding education, I decided to step up. It's the least I can do. After all, they called me so many times over the past six weeks, I feel obligated. Here we go...

First, we need to stop begging the government for money. It's obvious they don't want to give it to us. Why should they? Kids can't vote. So, why should our elected officials care? Apparently, they don't. We need to stop asking. Besides, any time they do offer or give us money, there's a multitude of strings attached. Those strings always involve more standardized testing (which always must be given under the strictest of security, which costs millions of dollars every year). They amp up teacher accountability and evaluations tied to those test scores, and then cut our funding like it's a hazing ritual. Yet, we keep going back for more. Can't we take a hint? 

But, where else can we get that kind of money? Valid question. Simple answer. We sell out. Big time. No more schools being named after people that no kid, and even a large percentage of adults, recognize. Have you ever watched "Jay Walking" with Jay Leno? Most people can't spell Canada. People think you need a passport to enter New Mexico. Stop honoring the heroes of our past by naming our schools after them. Where's the money in that? 

We need to save our future. If we can have CenturyLink Field and Safeco Field, why not Diet Pepsi Middle School and Papa John's High School? If these companies are willing to spend millions a year to name a stadium, how much would they pay for a school and the chance to influence, uh mold, young minds? 

They can even pick our mascots. I don't care. I'll gladly teach at Diet Pepsi Middle School and coach the Aspartamers basketball teams. Pay the school three mil a year for six years, I'll proudly wear a royal blue polo shirt and shout the miracles of carbonated beverages bringing such refreshing taste with absolutely NO calories. Damn straight.

Think how much more amped up the local rivalries would become. It's not just the local schools fighting for bragging rights, it's the cola wars all over again. That's just the beginning. Comcast High School Bundles vs. DirectTV Sports Packages? Lifetime High Chick-Flicks vs. SyFy High B-Flicks? Bring it. 

School buses are so boring with their golden canvases passing by each morning and afternoon. So much blank space just wasted. We need to plaster those bad boys like a minor league outfield fence. There should be ads for local small businesses and cheap lawyers. Salons, pizza joints, and espresso stands need more advertising? Call your local school district. Buy some reasonably priced, mobile advertising space and watch your business double. For a fair price, no less. School buses might actually have seat belts and be less than twenty years old. It's a win-win.

Think of the excitement to teach and attend Apple Tech. Or Android Junior High. Verizon Elementary. Nike High School. Think of the support and counseling at E.P.T. Alternative High School. (Of course, if they had used the mascot of Trojan High, they could be enrolling elsewhere. Aeropostale HS, perhaps.) 

Do you think the brass at AT&T would stand for their grade school being out-funded by T-Mobile? I think not. There would be more top-of-the-line supplies at their schools than we could comprehend. Others would follow suit. I keep thinking of an episode of The Simpsons when they accidentally struck oil on school property. Chocolate microscopes? Approved. Public schools having computers that aren't missing seven keys and can actually be wireless in this day and age? Classrooms that are actually vacuumed more than once a week? The sky's the limit, baby.

Think of the security at those institutes of learning. You get felt up and your bags searched going to a Seahawk game. There's no way some punk is getting a Glock onto these school grounds. When was the last time you heard about a Coke or Pepsi formula being stolen or leaked to the public? What about the secrecy about the next episode of Mad Men? Are those scripts ever outed? No way. The same security would be at Lionsgate Film School. And DreamWorks Academy of the Arts. And Pixar Technical Institue. School violence at those institutions of learning? Wouldn't happen. Why? Security. That's why. 

Would there be complications? Of course. But, if Enron Stadium can become Minute Maid Park, adjustments can be made at schools whose namesakes fail or are bought out. 

"We're not Quest Elementary anymore?" 
"No, Sally, we're CenturyLink Elementary now. But, our new commercials have a slinky."
"A what?"

Kids are resilient that way. If they can handle divorce, abuse, online harassment, and the popularity of One Direction, having their school change names and mascots shouldn't even register on their Richter Scale. 

I suppose there's also some kind of moral problem with selling out. But, our elected leaders can help us with that. Perhaps, they could create a podcast that our students could listen to on their new smartphones, tablets, and electronic readers. Maybe our leaders could inspire the next generation to make the right choices with their money and responsibilities. 

Of course, someone would need to do the same for our leaders first. Maybe the kids could handle that. Or a single mother of three. Or a laid-off factory worker. Or a formerly laid-off mechanic making half his previous salary. 

On second thought, maybe we just need the damn money. Something tells me we'd be able to figure out the rest just fine.