Cupcake Wars

It's obvious, even to an idiot like me, that reality television is here to stay. It's beyond popular, which explains why there are so many shows and networks devoted entirely to that genre. It's also cheaper to produce, film, and air a reality based show than a scripted one with actual characters and plot. Reality television isn't going anywhere. And that's a damn shame. 

I have many problems with reality television, the biggest being is that very little of it actually seems based on any kind of reality. Calling Jersey Shore realistic is just plain scary. Same goes for any show with the word "Housewives" in its title. Honestly, if I knew anyone who was remotely like any of these people, I'd move far away. 

Do I hate all reality TV? No. Do I hate most of it? Damn straight. But, my most pure and raw hatred of reality programming gets funneled into one show, Cupcake Wars. 

The reasons for my disgust with this show is tenfold. But, for any poor soul who actually reads this and for my own sanity, I'll pare it down. 

My first problem with the show is the title. Wars? Really? I'm ashamed to say I've seen this show numerous times. (When I first became a father, I knew all parents made sacrifices for their children. But, I didn't truly understand the level of pain I'd have to endure until my daughters discovered this show.) I've yet to see anything close to a skirmish, let alone a war, on any episode. Though, personally, I'd be all for it. Lord knows I'd love for that French judge to get a spatula upside the head a few times an episode. I think the final two bakers, their assistants, and the extra cupcake helpers should tie their wrists together in pairs, give everyone a butter knife and a set of measuring cups, and let them throw down like West Side Story (or a Michael Jackson video). Good times guaranteed. 

A quick side note. Any time the word Wars is used in a title, the host should be a bit more, uh, rough around the edges. Wearing a tie and sweater vest isn't exactly standard issue for most armies. At least wear some khaki cargo pants like the Survivor host. Give an effort, for God's sake.

I think the judges should be able to get more involved. That French dude is mean. I've heard him call cupcakes "inedible" and a "nightmare", which I think is harsh. If he's that pissed about the taste and/or texture of a cupcake then I think he should show us. We can barely understand him anyway. He could throw it back at the baker and scream, "How dare you offend my palate in this manner." He could gag and throw up in a trash can. All three judges could turn their backs and shun the offending cook like the Amish. That would be entertaining and would keep the viewers on the edge of their seats, or at least wake them up.

I also dislike how various contestants are simply set up for failure. I saw a perfect example of this on a recent episode. One of the competing bakeries uses beer in all their cupcakes. (Genius!) Obviously, this baker must be talented, or she wouldn't have been chosen to be on the show. (Either that, or she gave free samples to the producers.) So, what episode do they choose for this beer-in-the-cupcake-batter baker? The 100th Anniversary of the Girl Scouts. 

Obviously, this baker and her assistant chose to stick to what they actually do for a living and what got them on the show in the first place, bake cupcakes with beer in the batter. Guess who was booted off in the first segment? Guess why she was booted off? For using beer to make cupcakes for Girl Scouts. Even though the alcohol burns away, the judges were concerned with the idea of beer batter cupcakes being given to Girl Scouts. Well, duh. How about being concerned that the person who chooses which contestants appear on which episodes is a moron?

My biggest problem with this show is its predictability. There is never any mystery in any episode. Ever. 

At least two of the four contestants will have a family member as their assistant. Everyone mentions how they are there to win and how helpful ten grand would be to their business. No kidding. No one shows up to place third and go home with nothing. Money tends to help most businesses.

There always has to be one competing bakery who is gluten free. (One day, we're probably going to find out that gluten is as harmful as asbestos. People will have to call in professionals to clean up their pantries.) This baker is guaranteed to make the final two. Apparently, gluten makes cupcakes taste worse because those without the evil ingredient are always quite successful on Cupcake Wars.

By the end of the second segment, it's obvious who's going to win. There's always one standout baker who has nailed the first two rounds with inspirational cupcakes and three who don't. Of course, one of those three has to make it to the finals. 

In the final round, the baker who is just lucky to be there is always impressive with their final one thousand cupcake display and improved cupcakes. Guess what? They still lose. Of course, they are shocked and disappointed that they lost. Never mind that the final winner is decided by the accumulated skills they've shown thus far in the show. Here's a hint. If you've made it to the final round simply because the other two contestants were even worse than you, and your final opponent has received nothing but praise, you're going to lose. 

Here's a few more guarantees when watching Cupcake Wars. 

• Every contestant is apparently unable to read a rather large decreasing digital clock. I realize they are quite busy and stressed because they're going for ten grand on national television and they aren't given much time. All the more reason to glance at the clock once in a while, isn't it? I guess not. Every time the overdressed host yells out the time, each contestant must scream and repeat the time to their assistant, who is apparently also unable to read time or hear what was just yelled a few feet away.
• The judges eat their cupcakes with a fork. Why? If I used a fork to eat a cupcake, I'd have to turn in my man card and get my ass (rightfully) beat by my union brothers. This isn't afternoon tea with the Queen. Eat the damn cupcake with your hands.
• It takes the bakers approximately six minutes to fully describe their cupcake. "It's a chocolate peanut butter cupcake, with real peanut butter inside the cake, with a peanut butter chocolate ganache frosting, with a fondant peanut on the top..." Good God, it's a chocolate peanut butter cupcake! I'd cut your ass from the show just for using fifty-six words to tell me about something that I've already finished eating by the time you're done telling me what it is.
• By the way, the response by the French judge to such a cupcake would be something like, "I can't taste the peanut butter". The baker is obviously stunned and confused by such a statement. Either the baker is a fool who doesn't realize if you use the words "peanut butter" seven times in describing your cake, it better taste like a jar of Jif, or the judge is just a dick.

I have just two more guarantees. Cupcake Wars will continue to air for quite some time. I will also be forced to watch many more episodes with my daughters. 

On the plus side, I should be able to continue to convince my girls that their dad is psychic by correctly guessing who will win each episode. That belief should come in handy in the future when I try to convince my daughters that their dates will be intimidated by their beauty and intelligence and thus will be unavailable for further contact. Perhaps, reality television has its good points too.