Real Change This Time?

Sigh.

Another viral video, another massive reaction/overreaction, another myriad of articles, postings on social media (like this one), reactions and condemnations from politicians, officials, and God knows who else, followed by "additional videos" being found, backtracking of condemnations, complaints of death threats, and so on and so on and so on.

Typically, I'm not too affected by them anymore. But, this one is sticking with me longer than most.

Maybe because I'm a teacher and this video involves teens. Maybe because I've always had a fascination and the utmost respect for Native Americans. Maybe because as a teacher, a parent, and a chaperone on numerous field trips, I can not fathom allowing kids I am responsible for acting this way.

Maybe I've just had enough of this bullshit.

The first thing that I had a reaction to was the smug, entitled, I-can-get-away-with-anything-because-of-my-rich-Mommy-and-Daddy look on that teen's face. I've seen numerous posts calling it the "most punchable" face they've seen. I can't disagree. There is something to that, I think.

Sure, there are additional videos of adults calling these kids names. Is that appropriate? No. It's not. How about a group of privileged white kids wearing MAGA hats in Washington DC, on Martin Luther King, Jr's holiday weekend, while the longest partial government shutdown in our history is still going on being disruptive and disrespectful? Is that appropriate? Hell no.

Who were the adults accompanying these kids? Who thought this was okay? Who couldn't foresee something like this happening?

There seems to be something terribly wrong with the school these kids attend. As soon as this punk's smirk went viral, someone in that school knew what was about to happen and took down as much of the school's digital footprint they could as fast as they could. Not surprisingly, it didn't matter. Not in this day and technological age.

I've read quite a bit about this disgrace over the weekend. I don't really care about the kid; he's a product of privilege, racism, and entitlement. He comes from a rich family. No doubt, they spent the next day pouring over the videos and desperately trying to come up with plausible explanations with lawyers and strategists. Some people will even believe their crap. Doesn't really matter.

I was much more interested in his school. Now, I'm horrified. Based on various articles I've read and pictures I've seen, this school has over sixty staff members. Every single teacher is white. Not surprising really. Many schools fall under that umbrella, especially private schools. I've seen photos of various sports teams from that school. All white. Troubling, but not shocking.

Then, I saw photos from school basketball games over the past several years. "Blackout games." Again, not surprising. Many schools have blackouts, whiteouts, blueouts, whatever color a specific school wants its students and fans to wear at important games. So be it. But, there were white kids in blackface, even painting their entire upper bodies black. Seriously. Remember, this is a Catholic school. I saw pictures of white kids in blackface screaming at an African American player for an opposing team. (BTW, the colors of this school are blue and white.)

Again, I ask...Who thought this was okay? Who are the people working at this school? Why is any of this acceptable to this community, the churches, etc?

The Diocese of Covington (Kentucky) immediately condemned the behavior of these kids in DC. Convenient. Where was their outrage during blackout basketball games over the years? Where was their outrage over everything else these kids have done? (God only knows what that list entails. But, I'm guessing some of those actions will be coming out into the light soon enough.)

There have been the predictable backlash and death threats against this smirking teen, his family, and their school. That part always riles me, as well. Why does that happen? Chances are, this kid's mom will get fired from her high ranking job at a "well known financial institution". I'm fine with that. You raise a racist kid, there should be consequences. But, death threats? Just stop it.

We all know there is racism. Hell, we all know there is racism in the White House as I write this. Sinking down to their pathetic depths isn't acceptable. It's simply too easy and too stupid. Don't do anything that gives these people sympathy or anything they can use to deflect attention and avoid dealing with what they've done.

If the mom of this annoying kid gets fired because her company doesn't want this kind of negative publicity, so be it. If teachers and administrators get fired because of allowing everything I already mentioned, so be it. If these kids get expelled because of their behavior, so be it.

But, will there be any real change? Like everything else, this too will blow over. Will this blow over before any kind of real change occurs at Covington Catholic? What happens once this hatred, racism, lying, and everything else these people have done comes out into the light? (There have already been reports coming out of minority students who were bullied to the point of transferring.) Is this the time when more changes happen? Is this the time when more people become disgusted by these kinds of actions from these kinds of people? Is this the time when the Catholic Church steps up and makes real change at this school and who knows how many others?

Changes were made during mid-term elections this past November. As good as that is, it's only a start. As we've seen since, bringing about change is not one-stop shopping. The battle for real change isn't over. It's just beginning. Still.

A Glimpse Into the Future (I Hope)

I spent much of this morning as a judge in the Mount Vernon H.S. Debate Tournament. It didn't take long to realize I was wrong about something. Being a middle school teacher and seeing so many lazy kids with little/no work ethic, I've been worried about our country's future. But, after seeing so many kids from Skagit, Snohomish, and King County areas, along with our government on lockdown because of our pathetic excuse for national leadership, I've had a new thought. I'm much more concerned with our present. (Of course, I've had a similar fear since November 2016.)

 

These high school freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors are truly amazing. Depending on their event, they came in cold, either not knowing their topic, or which side they would need to present and debate, or both. These teenagers worked together and alone, presented competent claims, asked and answered valid, thoughtful questions, respectfully disagreed, and did so in front of strangers. Every single teenager was well dressed, respectful, and impressive.

 

These kids spent several hours last night and ALL day today doing this. I was exhausted after two judging sessions and selling concessions last night and today. These are teenagers, choosing to spend their Friday and Saturday doing this because they are hard workers, talented, and they give a damn about what they are doing.

 

I kept thinking, why can't our supposed real leaders do this? Instead of bitching and moaning and lying for months upon months and waiting until the very last minute to try to work out a deal, what if they showed the same resolve and work ethic as these teens? What if instead of blaming the other side, they actually worked together when it's not forced upon them? What if they spent their time researching actual facts instead of harassing women and lying about it? What if Democratic leaders spent their time on anything else than bashing Trump? What if Republican leaders gave a damn about someone who isn't a millionaire and white? What if both parties quit acting like childr--wait...What if they started acting like the teenagers I saw this weekend?

 

Every student I saw speak today was well prepared and spoke passionately about their topic. Meaning they most likely read the entire report/research they chose to talk about, where our supposed actual leaders vote on tax reform that impacts every American one way or another without actually reading the entire document. Why? Because Republicans worked behind closed doors, alone, and rammed it down their comrades' throats at the last minute. Every single adult leader seems more concerned with their own political party. Whereas every single teenager seemed to care about making a solid case, based on reason and research.

 

These teens treated their opponents with respect and spoke to them politely. There was no patronizing, exaggerating, or lying. There was no effort to demean the other side. Instead, they listened to their opponent and responded to their point, argument, or question. In short, they followed the rules. Can you imagine Congress doing that? Me either. 

I had to choose a winning side each time. Not one teenager who lost complained about it, or blamed the opposing side. I gave notes on positives of their speech/debate and what I thought could be improved. Every teenager accepted my points graciously. Not one of them said it was a "fake analysis". Not one of them blamed anyone else. They nodded, smiled, thanked me, and left the room. Most of them left to complete another speech or debate. Some did this six times today, not including last night's events.

 

I have complete confidence that these teenagers are destined for great things. They have the work ethic, the appreciation of the process, and the respect of everyone else involved. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., we seemingly have the opposite.

 

Typically, I am in no hurry for time to move any faster. I have kids and I am old enough as it is. I'm in no hurry for my kids to leave or for me to get any older, fatter, or greyer. But, if any of the teenagers I saw this weekend decide to go into politics, I say the sooner the better.

A Teacher's Rant

Well, here we are once again. So many of us are up in arms in disgust and anger over yet another pathetic decision made by our elected “leaders”. As usual, they managed to do the opposite of what many of us begged them not to do. Once again, what the masses wanted and asked for didn’t matter. Not. One. Little. Bit.

        This time, an insanely rich and unbelievably incompetent woman named Betsy DeVos was voted in as the Secretary of Education. The vast majority of Americans, even elected ones, seemingly realized that DeVos is not a worthy choice to lead education in our country. In the end, it didn’t matter. Not. One. Little. Bit.

Many people, including Whoopi Goldberg, are praising the two Republican senators, Lisa Murkowski from Maine and Susan Collins from Alaska, for voting Nay for DeVos in the Senate. In my opinion, they only get half a kudos. It does not impress me that they voted no today, because they didn’t step up when it really mattered. If they were so concerned over the thousands upon thousands of emails, phone calls, and letters to their offices from their respective constituents about the pathetic DeVos, they should have voted no during the confirmation hearing and the rich idiot never would even come before the Senate in the first place.

I know their reasoning. In a nutshell, they said in the confirmation hearing, that even though they had serious doubts about the competency of Devos being Secretary of Education, they thought she deserved the chance to go in front of the Senate for an official vote. No, no she didn’t.

This is not something to take lightly. These two Republicans who voted against DeVos in the Senate knew full well the chances of another Republican having the courage to step up and be the difference-maker was extremely low. When do any of our elected leaders ever step up to be the deciding vote for the greater good instead of lining their pockets or falling in line with party politics? Murkowski and Collins had to know this was the likely result. They still chose not to step up when it really mattered. If our “leaders” won’t step up for this, when will they ever?

This is the education and future of our country, which is something DeVos has no idea about. She didn’t know about the federal law regarding the rights of disabled children (IDEA) that was originally written in 1975. DeVos refused to answer if she believed in equal accountability of any school or district that receives federal funding. DeVos had no idea about the difference between growth and proficiency in student achievement. Many adults don’t either. But, none of these adults are/were teachers or will be leading our nation’s youth.

Speaking of our youth, according to the National Center for Education Statistics, in the fall of 2016, 50.4 million kids were expected to attend public schools. Over ninety percent of our nation’s youth attend public schools. Besty DeVos and her children never attended one. Of course, she’s not alone. Many people attended, and currently attend, private schools. More power to them. But, having someone in charge of our nation’s public education (where the vast majority of kids attend) with no experience in that field does not make sense, no matter what kind of school you attended.

All of those facts are known because of the heated discussions over social media and the actual news outlets. Every senator was inundated with messages from their constituents, people who actually elected them, and for the most part, these “leaders” voted along party lines. Once again, it did not matter what was best for the general good, in this case, our children and our nation’s future. Fifty cowards voted for an incompetent, rich woman who once stated public education “sucks” to lead fifty million kids who attend public schools.

Ever since our presidential election, people have been protesting like we haven’t seen in decades, possibly ever. Even some politicians have been outraged at hateful executive orders, insensitive Tweets, and more from the White House. Many people believe the president to be unfit to hold the office he was elected to. No matter what we think or feel, the disgusting, hateful policies and orders will continue. So will the outrage and protests. It won’t matter. Not. One. Little. Bit.

Why? It’s simple. Too many of us are cowards ourselves and we’ve elected cowards to office. Shockingly, cowards do cowardly things when forced to make a choice. We can be upset all we want. Believe me, I am upset. But, it’s our own fault.

How many of us didn’t even vote in the presidential election this past year? How many of us voted for a third-party candidate that had no chance of winning? How many of us who do vote simply do so based on the candidate’s political party? How many of us actually take the time to get off Facebook, Pinterest, and Netflix to research who is running for political office in our counties, states, and country and find out about their previous votes, ties to lobbies, groups, and their viewpoints on topics important to you? How many of us base our vote and our opinion on politicians mainly on commercials, Facebook posts, and fliers in our mailboxes instead of actually finding out the information ourselves?

This is our fault. We’ve made mistakes before and we will continue to do so. We’re human. It comes with the territory. But, I am 45 years old. In that time, I can’t think of a worse mistake than what happened in the elections of November 2016. So many of us are protesting, yelling, crying, and posting over inept leaders being chosen to be in charge of things they shouldn’t be and making hateful, prejudiced, and illegal policies. We should be. But, it won’t be enough if we don’t learn from the horrendous mistakes of November 2016.

Again, it’s our fault. We put these “leaders” in these positions because we didn’t take the time to vote or perhaps be more informed about who we voted for. Maybe we just didn’t think of the bigger picture until it was too late. It doesn’t really matter. Unless we harness this anger and emotion and regret and channel it into the next elections (and those after that), nothing will change.

Not. One. Little. Bit.

Listening to the Other Side

Like so many others, I read and watched what happened in four separate tragedies across our country the last two weeks. In short, ten innocent people were killed, seemingly without provocation. The horrific events in Louisiana, Minnesota, Dallas, and Louisiana again only reiterated the fact, at least to me, that our country is listing badly in churning seas.

Like millions of other people, I’m struggling with these horrific murders. In itself, murder is heinous under any circumstance. There are legal situations where murder can be considered justified. But, not one of these recent murders falls into that category. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. These murders were caused by hate and fear. That is why we are floundering. Even worse, we seem to be doing so by choice.

Strange as it may sound, these tragedies made me think of teenage drivers and their parents.

For eleven years, I taught driver’s education as a part time job. Our classroom curriculum consisted of seventeen two-hour classes. The second day of class was always my favorite. The first hour I spoke with the teens. I told them why so many of their parents yelled during their drives. It’s based on their perception of the road from their seat. The second hour, the kids worked on an assignment in another location while I spoke with their parents. I told them why so many of their kids yelled during their drives. It’s based on their perception of the road from their seat.

This class was my favorite for one simple reason; it was the class where I made the biggest impact on kids and parents. In short, I was able to show two different groups of people what the opposite group was thinking and why. Parents and kids are in the same car looking out the same windshield. But, perceptions differ based on their experience, reasoning, and position. Once each side understood those perceptions, progress was made.

Without fail, parents and students left class with a greater understanding of why the other would be upset and defensive during their drives.

Were there still arguments? Yes. But, I always heard throughout the course how quickly things changed between parent and student during their drives. In short, there were fewer disputes and problems because both sides understood the viewpoint of the other. Even more important, they were willing to listen and learn about them in the first place.

This is what we are missing in this country. Not nearly enough of us are taking the time to listen and understand what the other side of an issue is doing and why. When that happens, hate and fear take the place of understanding and reasoning. Then people on one side are killed. Then people on the other side are killed. And so on.

Few things are more powerful, easy to spread, and cause more damage as hate and fear. This is nothing new. Those two traits have been around as long as humans have been. They are in our DNA. Those genes just seem to fluctuate between being dominant and recessive in the overall population. It’s not hard to see that lately those two emotions are currently increasing their dominance exponentially.

We should have seen it coming. With smart phones and social media, anyone can be anonymous, yet heard and believed by the masses. It’s so damn easy to blame others for our failures and have those feelings validated. It’s so damn easy to see only one side of the coin and jump to a flash decision. It’s so damn easy to jump into the hot mix of hate and fear by complaining, name-calling, and inciting violence while sitting on our asses in a dark room.

Until, someone decides that talking and posting about it isn’t enough and someone else dies. Then someone else does the same for the opposite side. Then we condemn one side while supporting the other.

The worst part is that it doesn’t stop. It just gains speed and more people die. More families lose parents. Hate and fear continue to grow and grow. And more people die.

The one supposed equalizer of social media is that it’s fair. Both sides of any issue can post whatever they want on the same sites at the same time however many times and ways they wish. That’s fair.

It also doesn’t mean a damn thing if we’re not willing to read what the other side is trying to say and take the time to honestly process it. When listening to the other side doesn’t happen, each side reads and posts its own information and more fuel is thrown on the fire of hate and fear. And more people die.

An innocent man is gunned down by police in Louisiana one day. Another man meets the same fate in Minnesota the next. People are outraged. They should be. Based on the videos and current information, neither man did anything to warrant being killed. Outcries for various forms of justice blanket social media instantly.

The next day, five police officers are killed by a sniper in Dallas. People are outraged. They should be. Based on the videos and current information, none of those men did anything to warrant being killed. Outcries for various forms of justice blanket social media instantly.

#Blacklivesmatter.

#Bluelivesmatter.

#Alllivesmatter.

In my mind, all three of those powerful movements are valid. Many of us agree. We should. It’s basic logic. It’s 2016 for the love of God. Everyone has the same right to live as everyone else, don’t we? If I’m even asking that question, then something is wrong.

To my completely average mind, it still comes down to hate and fear.

Many people are scared of the police. After the dramatic and tragic rise of police killing of civilians the past few years, it’s understandable.

Many police offers are scared of being killed because of their job. After the dramatic and tragic rise of civilians killing police officers the past few years, it’s understandable.

If both sides are feeling the same hate and fear and both can be seen as justified,how does the killing stop?

It’s not as complex as it may appear, at least not to me. Each side needs to understand the other’s fears. Both sides need to listen with open minds and hearts to the other’s reasons for their fears and hatred. Each side needs to be willing to see the other’s perception out the same windshield.

Both sides need to publicly state when one of their own crosses the line. Police need to step up, en masse, and condemn a death when a brother/sister in blue kills someone without proper reason for doing so. Civilians need to step up, en masse, when one of us kills a police officer without proper reason for doing so.

Then, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat until the killing stops.

Of course, it’s not easy to do all that. It’s not easy to do a lot of things we’ve done in our lives. But, if it’s important enough to us, we suck it up and get it done. Lives are at stake. The lives of families are involved. It’s important.

Will listening cure us? Probably not.

But, it’s surely a step in the right direction. It’s much better than sprinting in the wrong one and killing innocent civilians and police along the way. Who knows, it may even help send our hate and fear genes back into recessive mode for awhile.

All that being said, I still maintain one basic truth; we are better than this. I realize that may be naive. I don’t give a shit. It doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Just because it’s easy to criticize a person, or even an entire movement like Black Lives Matter, or an entire occupation like Police Officer, doesn’t mean we should.

I think of it like this; if there wasn’t a serious problem, movements like Black Lives Matter and Blue Lives Matter wouldn’t exist. They wouldn’t need to. But, there is a problem, so they are here. As long as hate and fear continue to dominate as many people as they currently seem to be, people will die.

Both sides will get stronger and the gap between them will grow. And more people will die.

Two seemingly innocent men were killed by police in two days. Since then, eight police officers in two different states have been ambushed and killed. All ten victims were killed because of fear and hate. As long as this circle continues, more will die. More children will lose parents. More funerals will be broadcast showing a young son hugging his father’s coffin. More condemnations will happen by politicians who do nothing to change laws that can make a difference and by citizens who will do nothing to change minds that can make a difference.

As I type this, millions of American adults are coming together to find hidden, imaginary, animated creatures playing Pokemon Go. As entertaining as that game may be, I can’t see it helping to prevent civilians and cops from being killed. If we can come together for Nintendo, why can’t we do it for our country?

Meanwhile, a fourteen-year-old boy in Georgia has more more intuition, honesty, and guts than too many adults who would rather spend their energy ranting about police being racist and violent and Black Lives Matter members being racist and violent than actually listening to the other side and realizing that things could and should be different than they are.

How many of us change our Facebook profile picture to an icon to honor groups of innocent people who have been killed by hate and fear? How many of us do anything else to try to stop it from happening again?

What can we do, you ask? You know damn well what we can do.

Spend more time listening to the other side. You don’t need to agree with them or even like them. You don’t need to change your mind about them. Maybe you might understand why they are acting and reacting the way they are. Maybe they would understand your views. Understanding is not agreeing. It isn’t hating and fearing either. Listening is a start.

So is remembering.

Remembering that those on the other side also have wives and husbands. Remembering they also have kids and families who love and need them, just like your side. Remembering they also deserve to live, just like your side.

Their lives matter, just as yours does.

Our country is damaged in stormy and dangerous seas. In time, every storm passes. The only question is how much damage is done before it moves on. Dark and ominous clouds cause fear and uncertainty. They bring darkness, terror, and can cause tragic losses. They can also dissipate and spare those below.

Sadly, this storm and the damage it has caused, is our fault. We brought this destruction on ourselves based on our hate and fear and unwillingness to listen to the other side. There are only two ways we can go from here. Either it will get worse with more hate and fear and death. Or improvements will be made through listening, understanding, and restraint and lives will be saved.

It’s up to us.

Paying it Backward

Well, here we go again. And again. Another school shooting. Another “tragic day” for another state, city, and school. Another final day for another shooting victim and murderous student at a school. This time Reynolds High School in Troutdale, Oregon. My wife and brother-in-law’s high school and just an hour outside my hometown.

This is on the heels of the school shooting at Seattle Pacific University. Another “tragic” and final day for another innocent student. That shooting was on the heels of the “rampage” in California, where victims were stabbed, shot, and run over.

But, these aren’t “on the heels” of anything, in my opinion. Being on the heels implies were moving forward or towards something ahead of us. I don’t think so. It seems we’re going backwards and we’re not doing it slowly.

Many of us like to “Pay it Forward”. After all, it was a heart wrenching movie and it’s a solid premise. It sounds reasonable and even more importantly, it sounds doable. And we have done it. At Starbucks, for example. How many times have we seen on Facebook someone thanking that kind stranger who paid for someone else’s drink? I heard on the radio last year how the Pay it Forward chain lasted an entire day at one Starbucks in Seattle. That is truly cool. If you like coffee.

We’ve seen great commercials where Pay it Forward seems to be even more realistic. A woman sees a man help an elderly man load groceries his car. In return, that woman helps rake her neighbor’s yard. That neighbor then lets someone pull in front of him in heavy traffic. And on it goes. Again, very nice and so very doable.

Something we seem to forget about the movie Pay it Forward; the kid fucking dies. This innocent kid comes up with a great idea to change the world in a positive way, and he dies, which causes the Pay it Forward phenomenon to truly start. He even gets killed by another kid. At school. Even in Hollywood we have to put up with this crap. But, at least there it made people change. Too bad that doesn’t happen here in the real world. Not in the way it should, anyway.

I can’t even bring myself to read the comments on Facebook and news articles about these shootings anymore. They’re all the same. There’s prayers and sadness and disbelief over the tragedy. Then, there’s arguments back and forth about gun control and the right to bear arms, and right wing versus left wing, and liberal versus conservative. In other words, us against us. Which means these “tragic” days are going to continue as long as we keep Paying it Backward.

It’s no surprise, really. Our leaders are doing the same thing. Ironically, it’s the same lack of caring for others and lack of forethought that many of these shooters seem to have. Think about it. Let’s say the next cowardly killer wants his name known, respected, and feared with a dramatic and pathetic display of violence against unarmed victims. Obviously, it’s been done many times before. Guess what? It’s going to happen again and the last killer's name is going to be replaced by the next coward’s name. The same will happen with that coward’s name. And on it goes, until we wise up and figure out what to do to stop it. Which brings us to our “leaders”.

These are the people we look to in times like this. These are the people the media hound with question after question with camera after camera filming away. These are the people who throw around the “tragic” quotes we’ve all grown so accustomed to hearing. But, then what happens? What changes? Exactly. Which explains our backward trajectory and yet another comparison to the pathetic killers.

These cowards obviously have little, if any, empathy for anyone else. Otherwise, they wouldn’t kill kids and adults alike before committing suicide. The vast majority of these coward shooters end up using one last bullet for themselves, which begs the question: if you’re going to kill yourself anyway, why take anyone else with you?

That is another question we rarely get answered to any satisfaction. Some may be mentally ill. Who knows, maybe they all are. Of course, we have no way of knowing for sure because of our Barnum and Bailey national medical system doesn’t/can’t/won’t provide proper care for those who are mentally ill.

Instead, we pray and argue and blame and lament and cry and rage...and then move on. Until it happens all over again. Most of us seem to realize that something needs to change. Whether it be gun control laws and/or improvement of mental health care, doesn't really matter. Either way, we’ve seen the path we’re currently heading backwards on, and it’s not taking us anywhere we want to go. Something. Must. Change.

But, doing that would mean our leaders would have to do something shocking. They would need to actually agree to sit down and discuss ideas to make some changes without worrying about the NRA or Brady Bill supporters, or any political lobbies. Meaning, they would have to agree to do their jobs. Unless I’m mistaken, these elected leaders are supposed to serve us, the people who elected them.

Until that happens, though, we’re going to keep going backward. We can keep buying each other coffee and opening doors for each other and watching depressing movies about inspirational kids who are killed by bullies. It may not seem like much. Compared to the death of another fourteen-year-old, it isn't. But, it's better than what our leaders are doing. In other words, it's better than nothing.

Who knows, it might start to slow us down a bit. One thing I know about going backward at high speeds, eventually we trip over ourselves and fall. Maybe that's what we need. At least we'd stop moving in the wrong direction. We can pull each other up then, dust ourselves off, look around a bit and realize this our chance.

We might start something a bit more significant. Maybe we'll stop arguing on the comment sections of articles and start talking to our kids about watching out for classmates who might need help, or just a friendly hello. Maybe our leaders will find something to compromise on and start to lead us forward.

It can happen. Something started us on this backward trail and kept pushing until we reached the tripping point we're at now. Which means, something can pull us the other way too. It will take all of us to do that, though. It won't be easy or quick. It never is. But, when we start going forward, our "tragic" days will decrease. More hometowns will be safer. More kids will live longer. More mentally ill people will get more help and fewer guns. And then, more free coffee won't seem so trivial.

Having Four Kids (Part 1)

Humans are a funny bunch. We can be so different in so many ways. We can keep parts of our lives private from those we trust the most, but be so forthcoming about other areas on Facebook and Twitter. Not surprisingly, our openness to others varies from person to person and situation to situation. But, there seem to be certain events, or circumstances, that bring out similarities in large percentages of humans. Over the past three and a half years, my wife and I have discovered that having four kids is one of them.

Complete strangers come up to us nearly every time we leave the house. It can be shopping, eating out, seeing a movie, walking into a hotel, in a small town or large city, crossing into Canada; there doesn't seem to be a filter. Frankly, it's more than a bit puzzling. But, seeing a married couple with four girls jumping around them like poodles waiting to use the same hydrant seems to force out questions from 72% of cashiers, 89% of waitresses, and 74% of random people browsing the same public businesses we are. The most commonly asked questions and statements are below. Enjoy.

"You really have your hands full."
I always use the stock answer, "Every day." But, it's getting harder and harder to fight the urge to come back with, "No, shit." Having four of anything is having your hands full, since, you know, we each only have two hands. But, yes, having four kids is exhausting and we do have our hands full. Is it really necessary to call it out in public? Do I say to the cashier of Wal-Mart or McD's, "Boy, your job must really suck"? These people earn a paycheck by serving people who wear PJ pants at three in the afternoon on a Tuesday. It's implied. So, I don't point out the obvious. It'd be nice if they'd return the favor.

"Are all these girls yours?"
Uh, yes, they are. As a teacher, I know very well the high number of divorced and blended families out there. Apparently, it's quite shocking to many people that my wife and I are the actual birth parents of four kids and neither of us have been divorced. It's depressing to consider that most people automatically assume that we're on our second marriages because we have four kids. 

I'm also aware that many times parents will take their own kids, as well as friends of their children, out in public. But, when they're all calling us "Mommy" and "Daddy", are yelling at each other like only siblings can, and they all look alike, it really shouldn't be that difficult a question to answer on your own. 

"Dad, you better get a gun."
"You guys will be in serious trouble in a few years."
Yes, we have four daughters who are, and I don't want to sound like an arrogant jerk, but they are beautiful. Since I am a male, and was once a teenage male, I know what will be happening soon. But, my preparation does not end there. Far from it.

Do people seriously think I haven't been plotting various intimidation techniques since the first ultrasound showed nothing in the groin area? Why do you think I teach middle school? For the love of kids? Ha! I've been researching the evolving male mind (yes, it does evolve) for the past decade, learning their new techniques, lingo, strategies, moves, favorite singers, movies, clothing styles, anything that may be used to coerce my daughters. Think of me as a longstanding member of 21 Jump Street. I've been infiltrating the enemy's network for some time now. I am well prepared for "serious trouble". Thanks for your concern, kind stranger.

"They all look like your wife."
Well, duh. I would hope so. I've seen women who look like men and vice versa. It can be confusing, I suppose. That's not the case here. I don't look like a girl. My daughters do. So does my wife. It's not surprising they look like her. Thank God. Though, if at least one of them looked like me, I wouldn't be so concerned with the "serious trouble" mentioned above.

"Wow. Dad, you're outnumbered, aren't you?"
Another obvious question. Let's move on.

"Are you going to try for a boy?"
"Are you done?"
"Are you going for a full basketball team?"
I realize in the social media age people share information they never would have shared in the past. But, why would anyone think it's okay to ask these questions? Why do they even care? Are they gathering shopping data for Old Navy? Do they work for the U.S. Census? Are any of these people's lives going to change with knowing the answers to these questions? So, why ask them? Because we have four girls, that's why.

Again, it's very tempting to not to just turn and shoot from the hip. "No, we're not done. You see, I'm 1/8th Apache and my wife is 1/12th Japanese. So, we thought we'd keep going to see if we can eventually have a child who looks like an Asian Native American and really mess with people. And get some kick ass college scholarships."

For the record, yes, we are done. Done and done. No, we never thought to "try for a boy". How does that even work, by the way? Was I supposed to be thinking about baseball? I was always told that strategy was for something else entirely. Perhaps, I was misinformed. 

Truthfully, neither my wife nor I wanted one sex over another. Having a healthy, happy baby was our only real concern. Thankfully, our prayers were answered each time. Actually, by our fourth pregnancy I was actually worried that we might have a boy. Being a father of multiple girls is hard enough. I can't imagine being the brother of three older sisters. Shiver.

I do understand why so many people feel the urge to speak with us in public. We're not a quiet bunch. We stand out. The girls are beautiful. And funny. And so very, very loud. We almost demand a response. It could also be that many people wouldn't have four kids if they were paid a monthly stipend and promised a reality television show. (More on this in the upcoming Part 2 of this topic.) 

I would be surprised if people didn't react to us. But, is it so wrong to expect some originality once in a while? Something different than the standard reactions and questions would be nice. 

"You must be an amazing mom having to deal with so many female issues every day." 
My wife is amazing. I often get the sympathy from those who respond to us in public. While it is appreciated, people really aren't paying attention. My wife deals with many more issues than me. Bathroom trips and handling any problems or discomfort in the genital area are just the tip of the iceberg. (Once more penises enter the picture, I'll be front and center much more frequently.) 

"Wow, Dad, you must be quite manly since you're the only male in your family."
Why, yes, yes, I am. Thanks for noticing.

See the difference in these quick examples than those listed earlier? Try using them next time you see a family with more than two kids. There are other families like ours out there. We have bi-weekly meetings through Skype. (That many families with so many kids would cause a tsunami of public interruptions, so we stick to a much less invasive strategy.) 

Remember, you won't just be helping us; you're be helping yourself and our country's economy. Complimenting instead of questioning always goes much further in earning a larger tip, a heartfelt apology for the mess left behind, and a possible return trip. I agree, it's a bit of a good news/bad news situation. But, so is parenting.

(Again, more coming in Part 2...)

Raping the Rape Victim

The Golden Rule: Treat others as you want to be treated

Seems like a good idea, common sense, even. It's a simple rule of human interaction dating back century upon century. It's a basic principle that works in every culture and religion. So, what's the problem? Obviously, we are.

Sometimes I wonder...will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other?

I was watching the movie Blood Diamond recently. It's an excellent and disturbing film. It's hard to watch in many places, even more so knowing it's based on true events. Leonardo DiCaprio's mercenary character is talking to Jennifer Connelly's journalist about some of the tragedies he's seen in Africa. I suppose some people might brush that off as being a third world issue. I think we all know better than that. Just watching the news, or looking online, can easily prove that train of thought wrong.

Case in point, a seventeen-year-old girl named Rehtaeh Parsons killed herself in Nova Scotia awhile back. Nearly two years ago, she was allegedly gang raped by four boys.

You've heard it before. A teen party, no adults present, of course. Too much alcohol. Teenage boys take advantage of the situation.

That alone is more than any human, let alone a teenager, should have to bear. But, there's more. The rape itself wasn't enough. Over the next year and a half, she was harassed online and at school. Constantly. 

During the attack, a photo was taken, uploaded, and went viral. As usual, the victim received the abuse. She's a slut. She asked for it. It's her fault. Girls making fun of her, boys asking her out and harassing her. She finally had enough and tried to hang herself. She was taken off life support a few days later.

Now the Canadian authorities are moving on the case they once ignored and closed. Suddenly, new evidence has come to light. I'm sure her mom, who found her and had to cut her down, is relieved at the authorities' prompt response to her daughter's case.

My heart breaks for Rehtaeh. I'm not even sure how to pronounce her name. Yet, my chest is heavy and rage is bubbling just beneath the surface. It would be bad enough if this happened to one girl. But, it's never just one girl.

Many of us know about the recent case in Steubenville, Ohio, involving over-privileged high school football players. To no one's surprise, alcohol was involved, so was a witness using a smartphone to film the act. Again, no responsible adults. Again, the victim was on the receiving end of a non-stop Twitter barrage that blamed her. Even once the boys were convicted, it's still the victim's fault. She's still being bombarded on social media for ruining the boys' lives. It seems few are concerned with the victim's life.

A girl in California named Audrie Pott, 15, committed suicide for the same thing. Alcohol. Raped by three boys. Photo taken. Uploaded, going viral. Harassment. Three teen boys have been arrested. According to their lawyer, people should reserve judgment and his clients should be considered innocent. Hmmm. That's an excellent idea. But, it's too late to reserve judgment on Audrie, isn't it? Or Rehtaeh. Or the victim in Steubenville. Or all the others in the past, present, and future. We all know there are more out there.

What happened to treating each other like we want to be treated? We've all made mistakes, some much bigger and more tragic than others. Many, many, many of them involve alcohol. I'm asking those pathetic "friends" and classmates of these victims, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Teens rarely do anything alone, especially drink. What happened to Audrie, Rehtaeh, and all the others could've happened to their friends, right? Are these friends really that much smarter, or better, or different than the victims? Whatever happened to people actually supporting a friend who's going through a tough time? Isn't that the whole point of having a friend? Being there for the fun stuff is easy. Anyone can do that. It's the rough times when friends are actually needed.

I haven't seen any of these photos or videos that were taken and uploaded in each case. But, they all sound the same. They all seem to involve an unconscious or semi-conscious girl. There's vomit nearby. She has no idea what is happening to her. And yet, the blame is placed on her. Every. Fucking. Time.

Is the victim partially to blame for being there and putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation? Yes. Who hasn't done something similar? Any time anyone drinks publicly, there's a risk. Any time you get behind the wheel of car, or even the passenger or back seat, you're putting yourself in danger.

I've always considered rape to be the most heinous crime of all. Now, I'm not so sure. As repulsive and damaging as the act is, the response of people after the victim comes forward seems to be worse. At least to me. I can't imagine going through both. Whatever mistakes a person has made, no one deserves that.

Those thoughts alone have forced me to reconsider a truth of fatherhood I never thought possible.

My wife knows that if any of our girls are harmed in such a way, I will go to jail. There's never been any hesitation about what I would do. I don't own a gun. But, I know plenty who do. I might even borrow my cousin's bow. I will kill anyone who harms any of my girls. And I'll do it slowly. There's never been any doubt. Rape committed against my daughter. Rapist dead. Slowly. Simple. I've long accepted that as gospel.

Only it's not so simple anymore. I'd have to wait to see who would be blamed for the crime. I might have to delay killing those responsible for the attack to find out if my victimized and broken daughter will be betrayed by her friends and harassed by everyone else. I never considered my daughter might be bullied and blamed for being attacked, that her friends might turn on her. It's hard enough to even visualize the act itself.

It does make me wonder about my teen years. If something had happened like that in my hometown, and we had Facebook, Twitter, and texting, would we blame the victim? Would the girl be blamed and the boys championed? Of course, we had a crappy football team, so maybe not.

The second half of DiCaprio's Blood Diamond quote keeps popping back up to the surface no matter how much I try to push it down...

Then I look around and I realize...God left this place a long time ago.

Personally, I don't believe that to be true. But, it does make me wonder, has His work left? Think about it. Who's responsible for spreading God's will and work? We are. But, if we're too busy harassing rape victims and defending the actual rapists, I can't see things getting any better. Which only leaves one possible direction.

The more I think about this, the more depressed I become. In order for the Golden Rule to work, before we can truly treat others how we want to be treated, one basic event has to happen. We actually have to care about others. Because if we don't care, why would God stick around? Even more upsetting, would we even be able to tell the difference?